Lyrics Writing Challenge #15: Evolving Refrain

[john]

Hi Gang

 

A nice simple challenge.

 

• Song Form AAA - but with 5 verses
• Verses should be 8, 12 or 16 lines
  • if you choose 8, they should all be 8 etc.
• 2 lines of each verse must be refrain lines
• The refrain should not be exactly the same... the fundamental elements should be.. in that it should still be obvious it is the refrain, but it should evolve as you progress through the song
• Your lyrics should tell a story
• Rhyme scheme should be consistant
• Your rhyme scheme should include:
  • end of line rhymes
  • internal rhymes
  • lines with no rhyme
• Your lyrics should include:
  • at least one personal name
  • at least one brand name
  • at least one colour
  • at least one number
  • a twist

 

Here is a reference for you:

 

AAA Song Form / Strophic Song Form

 

Are you ready? Set. Go!

 

Cheers

 

John

 

 

@Timbre @Skin @DonnaMarilyn  @McnaughtonPark  @symphonious7  @Peggy @Mahesh  @Pahchisme Plaid  @Ray888 @ALOPRODUCTIONZ

 

@Lisa Gates @snabbu @Patty Lakamp

 

 

 

 

[DonnaMarilyn]

Crikey! This one might just be a bridge too far at the moment, John.   But if five 8-line verses featuring heaps of rhymes & no rhymes, a personal name, a brand name, a colour, a number, and a twist spring to mind, you'll be the first to know. 

[john]

Crikey! This one might just be a bridge too far at the moment, John.   But if five 8-line verses featuring heaps of rhymes & no rhymes, a personal name, a brand name, a colour, a number, and a twist spring to mind, you'll be the first to know. 

 

Lol

 

not every verse has a name, a brand name a colour a number etc... that is throughout the entire song

[Timbre]

For this nice, simple challenge I'm still stuck on reading the instructions! A particular sticking point is the 5 verses where we get the generous option of choosing 8, 12, or 16-line verses! But wait, there's more ... Lots more. 😄

 

My contribution to this challenge is likely to be complaining about the brief--which is part of the fun of it all--and cheering Les on.  Come on, Les!  Just one more verse to go! ~T

[john]

If it helps, there is no time limit on the challenge, and challenges can overlap.

 

My perspective on the challenges is that they should be there to challenge you, to stretch you as writers, each working on different aspects of being a writer... and of course be fun.

 

If you were signed writers, or artists, you would be in a development program. Such programs are designed to develop skills, to get you working with other writers to gain experience, to learn how to write different forms, to get tools and mechanisms under your belt to allow you to truly unleash your creativity and express, while also working to goals.

 

So when I set challenges I try to keep that in mind.... that you are unlikely to have someone doing writer/artist development for you, and with a little thought, maybe these challenges will go some way to filling that void. It isn’t instead of your own direction, it is in addition to, and it is entirely voluntary.

 

So in general I have stopped setting deadlines. In general it is better you work through challenges together. It is also more fun to do that.... but this way if you want to take weeks... that’s perfectly fine

 

PS

 

I plan to run a couple of polls to get an idea where you consider your strengths and weaknesses lie, and some more info besides. It should help with setting up appropriate challenges.

[DonnaMarilyn]

6 hours ago, john said:

 

Lol

 

not every verse has a name, a brand name a colour a number etc... that is throughout the entire song

 

I knew that, John. My mistake was in not adding a comma and an 'and' after 'five 8-line verses'.  

 

Good, though, that the challenges can overlap.

[Patty Lakamp]

Glad to hear there's no time limit.  I just stopped by to say I can't begin to think about this right now.  But with some more time, maybe so.  

 

I love your concept of offering this writer development program.  Thanks!

 

Patty

[ALOPRODUCTIONZ]

SPACE MAN

                           V1

Spaceman Spaceman there in your suit
Where you gonna travel too?
Maybe I could travel two 
Or three too four times like a spaceman
In your spaceship
I want to see the stars
I want to see the moons
Please spaceman can you take me soon?

                          V2

Spaceman Spaceman come on lets go
Iv got my white suite and I'm ready like pro
Your not from earth that's something I know
I wont tell my friends I wont even tell joe
so stop moving slow I know you cant tell me no
I'm a real spaceman I just don't work for NASA
oh..
ok, then let us go

                         V3

Spaceman spaceman this is real cool
Can you travel faster or is this all?
More? your body wouldn't handle anymore g force
And of course there's galactic laws
Spaceman can you tell me more?
Like where are you from ?
Why did you land?
Please tell me if you have a secret plan.

                           V4

Spaceman spaceman I want to go home
I feel really lonely I feel really low
I don't want Nikes I don't want gold
Why did you speak to me in such a cold tone
I don't like the words I was told
Lets go home
Your right my soul is old my mind is young
But spaceman spaceman this isn't very fun.

                         V5

I'm a spaceman in spaceman I wanna dance and jump
I feel so free then I felt like a chump
Attached to my shoes an my food n my skunk
I was so confused my confusions now sunk
Hey spaceman can you take me next month
Iv got a space suit, space shoes we could have lunch
Make sure you comeback so we can have fun
Spaceman spaceman farewell so long.

 

I hope I did this right meeting all criteria

[snabbu]

My biggest issue was the twist. Maybe because that normally occurs in the bridge. But all the other stuff is only a matter of planning before you write I have done my plan and three verses and if you are organised I think it is not as daunting as it may appear. It reminds me of publisher requests, we want this type of song with this that and the other oh and we are recording in three days. 

Anyway I shall try and finish mine today I will say it gives rhyme zone a hammering.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

[john]

29 minutes ago, snabbu said:

My biggest issue was the twist. Maybe because that normally occurs in the bridge. But all the other stuff is only a matter of planning before you write I have done my plan and three verses and if you are organised I think it is not as daunting as it may appear. It reminds me of publisher requests, we want this type of song with this that and the other oh and we are recording in three days. 

Anyway I shall try and finish mine today I will say it gives rhyme zone a hammering.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

Exactly Gary. A publisher’s brief is pretty close. I will do the odd challenge with a deadline for that reason.... but writer development is my aim... and hopefully they will be fun.

 

To all:

 

I have 3 other planned challenges, this current challenge is the most complex in terms of numbers of restrictions.

 

The challenges are:

 

• writing from a challenge photo
• writing with an imagery use challenge. (This I think is one of the most valuable of our many skills as it often gives the stand out line)
• Writing as a duo collab

 

I will happily post the photo challenge at the same time as that is much simpler as a brief, quite accessible and fun. 

 

Cheers

 

John

 

[Lisa Gates]

On 3/20/2018 at 1:31 AM, Skin said:

Weird I got almost 4 verses? Just thinking on the brand name!

man I need stuff to make me write and you have done it 👊

Les, the challenges get me going too. things i'd never consider.

[john]

20 minutes ago, Lisa Gates said:

Les, the challenges get me going too. things i'd never consider.

 

Ideal... exactly what I hope for

[snabbu]

Hi

 

I chose 8 lines because it's less work 

The personal Name is Paul

The Brand name is Expedia

I have number one and number two

I have lots of colours

The twist is that... well reed it and you'l see it's not Fab but it fits the brief.

The rhyme scheme is not entirely consistent but I didn't want to to wreck the images. I think there is enough rhyme in there to kill a horse.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

Silver
© Gary C Yeomans 2018

Tomorrow so they say will be a far better day 
I’m not really hearing you when you speak 
Not quite here, in a preoccupied kind of way 
I’m beaming, sunny future dreaming  
No sorrow for today as I dream my life away
I’m not really seeing you as you dance
Sitting here, in an indifferent kind of way 
I feel yellow a sunny future yellow

 

Looking far ahead optimistic  today unread
Deep in thought about tomorrow
Red letter days are in the future so it’s said
I’m Scheming, peaceful future dreaming 
Booking life ahead let Expedia make my bed
I’m not really hearing what you said 
Sitting here lost in planning mode
I feel green a softly  peaceful green

 

Yesterday I hear Paul say was a far better day 
I’m don’t want to listen to todays sounds 
Familiar tunes flow in a mellow kind of way 
I’m half sleeping, old garden wall sleeping 
No awareness  of today I reminisce my life away
Feeling pleasantly weary  
Resting here in a relaxed kind of way  
I feel purple the deep purple creeping

 

Looking way back at one or two rose coloured facts
Deep in thought about what is passed
My body didn’t hurt as much then especially my back
I’m wishing, pointless hollow wishing 
Some how the future then seemed not so black
Taking my time to dream and reminisce 
Feeling slightly angry
I feel red, agitated red

Today here I am today, here not sometime far away 
I’m hearing exactly what your talking about
Focussed now in an attentive sort of way
concentration silver mental condensation
I understand now and I realise how
I could not have imagined all those things 
If I wasn’t in the here and now, then
I’m silver bright shining silver
 

[ALOPRODUCTIONZ]

7 hours ago, snabbu said:

Hi

 

I chose 8 lines because it's less work 

The personal Name is Paul

The Brand name is Expedia

I have number one and number two

I have lots of colours

The twist is that... well reed it and you'l see it's not Fab but it fits the brief.

The rhyme scheme is not entirely consistent but I didn't want to to wreck the images. I think there is enough rhyme in there to kill a horse.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

Silver
© Gary C Yeomans 2018

Tomorrow so they say will be a far better day 
I’m not really hearing you when you speak 
Not quite here, in a preoccupied kind of way 
I’m beaming, sunny future dreaming  
No sorrow for today as I dream my life away
I’m not really seeing you as you dance
Sitting here, in an indifferent kind of way 
I feel yellow a sunny future yellow

 

Looking far ahead optimistic  today unread
Deep in thought about tomorrow
Red letter days are in the future so it’s said
I’m Scheming, peaceful future dreaming 
Booking life ahead let Expedia make my bed
I’m not really hearing what you said 
Sitting here lost in planning mode
I feel green a softly  peaceful green

 

Yesterday I hear Paul say was a far better day 
I’m don’t want to listen to todays sounds 
Familiar tunes flow in a mellow kind of way 
I’m half sleeping, old garden wall sleeping 
No awareness  of today I reminisce my life away
Feeling pleasantly weary  
Resting here in a relaxed kind of way  
I feel purple the deep purple creeping

 

Looking way back at one or two rose coloured facts
Deep in thought about what is passed
My body didn’t hurt as much then especially my back
I’m wishing, pointless hollow wishing 
Some how the future then seemed not so black
Taking my time to dream and reminisce 
Feeling slightly angry
I feel red, agitated red

Today here I am today, here not sometime far away 
I’m hearing exactly what your talking about
Focussed now in an attentive sort of way
concentration silver mental condensation
I understand now and I realise how
I could not have imagined all those things 
If I wasn’t in the here and now, then
I’m silver bright shining silver
 

I love the way you used colour with an emotion its cool.

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Well, this took a bit of figuring out, but I THINK I have all the required elements.  Let me know if they're not all there.

• Song Form AAA -  5 verses
• Verses -- 8 lines
• 2 lines of each verse must be refrain lines -- last two lines (7&8)
• The refrain should not be exactly the same... the fundamental elements should be.. in that it should still be obvious it is the refrain, but it should evolve as you progress through the song ( I THINK I did  this, let me know if not)
• Your lyrics should tell a story - Yep.  A story about a fly fishing trip.
• Rhyme scheme should be consistent  (I THINK it is, let me know if not)
• Your rhyme scheme should include:
• • end of line rhymes --lines 4, 5 and 6
  • internal rhymes -- line 2
  • lines with no rhyme--line 3
• Your lyrics should include:
  • at least one personal name -- Patsy Cline
  • at least one brand name --Igloo, Miller Time and Deep Woods Off
  • at least one color -- Brown
  • at least one number--One
  • a twist - Heaven speaks

WHERE HEAVEN BEGINS AND EARTH ENDS
Lyrics by Kc Chad © March 2018

Anticipating, been waiting for the clock to strike
Work is out, mind's about
I'm packing up the Cherokee
Fishing pole, tackle box
Igloo cooler, Ice blocks
ready to head, yeah, life rocks
Can't see yet where heaven begins
and the er-er-er-er-earth ends

 

Dirt road behind me, honey pot smiling behind the trees
Thread and wire, light my fire
Settle before the sun sets down
Twisting floss, tying flies
Mosquito dope, puffing pipe
Deep Woods Off many miles
Seeing now where heaven begins
and the er-er-er-er-earth ends

 

Lake undulating, spring perculating, clear views beneath
Water's cool, rocks are smooth
Silky spinnerette line glinting past
Floating floss, shimm'ring gloss
One swift draw, flick and toss
Casting hopes with a single rod
Feeling where my heaven begins
and the er-er-er-er-ea-earth ends

 

Low radio, sun setting molasses slow against the mirror
Brown bottle on the chill
Pastsy Cline, Miller Time
Dancing cedars, scent of pine
Cicada buzz, high on life
This is where the heaven begins
and the er-er-er-er-ea-earth ends

 

If You're fishing men from heaven, cast a line, I'll bite
You brought me here to talk
Silenced my soul so I could listen
Mentally sedated
patiently You waited
I can't escape the bait
The lake's the same, skyline blends
I can't tell where the heavens begin 
and the er-er-er-er-ea-earth ends

 

I can't tell where the heavens begin
and the er-er-er-er-ea-earth ends

 

[john]

Did you learn anything during the challenge Kelly?

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Yes.  I need more writing practice and the mixed criteria requires a little more planning—although frankly,  I work from the opposite side of the planning brain—Ideas develop for me as the song progresses.  Not what some may want to hear, but my brain has had to develop new pathways to accommodate for issues with executive functioning.   I love the challenges!  It forces me to think outside of my own natural style of writing.  

 

I got out, I think three verses with a different-than-posted-here refrain before my writing flow got interrupted (hate when that happens!).  I then took a few days (forced, but also needed) break from the lyrics and before I got back to it.  

 

The idea for the twist began to develop near the end of the initial writing, but until I reached the 5th verse and discovered how I wanted it to end, the original refrain was just kinda “meh” to me.  

 

Don’t get me wrong, would have been a great sounding refrain, but not the twist I was looking for and not as easy to develop into a progressive refrain while maintaining the other elements.

 

I learned that I can do it.  I don’t know if I could do song after song with that criteria, but part of that is that I like new challenges and once I know I can meet them I want to move on to the next one.

 

Its like working out a really hard puzzle, finding the right places to plunk the pieces where they belong.  

 

I enjoyed the challenge.