Challenge #19 Open Lyrics - Take Two

[Kel]

Untitled Song 19

 

V1

Just enough to please and not enough to harm

But I’ll hurt you if you show me no respect

You’ll miss me when you are away more than you would dare to say

Give me your attention now, or I’ll lay it all to waste

 

V2

You must keep your friends well away from me

You know that I will only make them suffer

This thing can only ever be for us in perpetuity

You will hear my call and you will answer

 

chorus

And I will have your respect

And I will have your attention

I could become everything that you request

But you must strive for my perfection

 

V3

four measured minutes of tender care

The same rendezvous every evening

All that you can express is measured by my blades caress  

As I am blessed while you stand receiving

 

Repeat chorus

 

Rudi aka Unwise Bill © 11-11-2013

Hi Rudi,

 

I'm guessing you are taking Option B - Love and vulnerability, as the subject of the singer's attention is certainly on the receiving end of some unhealthy behaviour. The isolationist warnings in Verse 2 tip the scales in that direction for me.

 

I also see obsession in there too, so I think you have brought an element of both obsession on behalf of the singer and vulnerability for the singee. What I don't see there is much of however, is love.

 

I have no idea what verse three is about. Is "blades" correct, or sould it be "blade's" or "blades' " I can't make out.

 

If the chorus had more about the singer's devotion, adulation, fervour for the singee rather than respect and attention I think you'll be closer to meeting the love+obsession or the love+vulnerability of the challenge.

 

What you have done well though is keep it anonymous; either a male or female artist could jump on board with no lyrical changes needed, and there is no identification of the you or me in the lyric, so well done in that regard.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[Kel]

 

Kel, this is my short critique, of your song, and there some suggestions I made.  Only my opinion of course. Keep or sweep. It's a very romantic.

 

Goldy  

 

Brand New Kind

 

There's a brand new tingle running down my spine/ nice imagery line

When I walk past your office, next to mine./ another great picture I can see

I watch you through the window darling /do you need darling, sounds trite,

Hear you on the telephone laughing,/follows previous 3 verses nicely

A brand new kind of wanting, is in my heart./ nice completion to first verse.

 

　

There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees./ needs  a better verb like shaking my knees

When you're in the elevator, close to me/. Nice follow up line

You can't see what I am up to,/ maybe going through

I'm longing to reach out and touch you/ I long to reach out and touch you

A brand new kind of needing, is in my heart / a new kind of feeling beating in my heart

 

Will you ever notice me, / will you ever glance my way

Always close, but you don't see,

Is there something I can do

I only want to be, with you....

 

There's a brand new flutter to my heart, Nice last verse for completion of song./ fluttering in my heart/ action 

And if you let me we won't be apart./ 

You'll be happy to be with me

And you'll wonder why you couldn't see

A brand new kind of passion, is in my heart.

My heart.

My heart.

 

Cheers,

Kel

 

 Thanks Goldy, some nice touches there...

Kel

 

Brand New Kind

 

There's a brand new tingle running down my spine,

When I walk past your office, next to mine.

I watch you through the picture window

Hear you on the telephone laughing,

A brand new kind of tingle, runs down my spine.

 

　

There's a brand new kind of shaking in my knees.

When you're in the elevator, close to me.

You don't see what I'm going through,

Longing to reach out and touch you

A brand new kind of shaking, weakens my knees. 

 

Will you ever notice me,

Always close, but you don't see,

Is there something I can do

I only want to be, with you....

 

There's a brand new kind of aching in my soul,

And you should know it's my heart, that you stole.

You'll be happy to be with me

If you would only stop and see

A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul.

 

A brand new kind of tingle...

A brand new kind of shaking...

A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[goldylocks]

My last rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsessed love and need..  

 

You Want to Own My Soul

 

Your words speaks soft 

Hungry desire

Wooing me with lies

I want to run 

Find a place to hide

 

You tug at my will

Break me right down

Kissing me tenderly 

Light a flaming fire  

Burning inside of me 

 

Chorus:

 

You want to own my soul

You won't let me go

You wrap me in the night

Blind me with your light

You want me

You need me

You won't let me go

You want to own my soul

 

V:

 

You press your lips

Steaming on mine

My heart beats hard

Feelings start to rise 

Catching me off guard 

 

 

Chorus:

 

You want to own my soul

You won't let me go

You wrap me in the night

Blind me with your light

You want me

You need me

You won't let me go

You want to own my soul

 

 

 

Verse

 

You won't leave me

I've no place to go    

You watch me closely

Like a possession     

Holding me tightly  

 

 

 

 

Repeat chorus:

 

 

Goldy

 

Edited November 12, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Hi Goldy,

 

Only line I don't get is Blind me from the light.... ? Shield perhaps?

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy,

 

Only line I don't get is Blind me from the light.... ? Shield perhaps?

Kel, you are so observant, I meant blind me with your light. I was getting my lines mixed up. Blind me with your light, is an actual song. I hope it's okay to use that line.

 

Thanks for pointing that out. Do you think it meets the challenge?

 

Goldy      

[goldylocks]

Kel, I really like how you've revised this. One line seems out of place of your rhyme scheme The 4th line in what I believe is the chorus. The first 5 lines it's AABCA, compared to the next 5 that are AABBA.. Just a suggestion.

If I'm wrong, sorry, trying to reciprocate.

 

Goldy    

 

Brand New Kind

 

There's a brand new tingle running down my spine,

When I walk past your office, next to mine.

I watch you through the picture window/maybe watch you through the window alone

Hear you on the telephone laughing,/ hear you laughing on the telephone   

A brand new kind of tingle, runs down my spine.

 

　

There's a brand new kind of shaking in my knees.

When you're in the elevator, close to me.

You don't see what I'm going through,

Longing to reach out and touch you

A brand new kind of shaking, weakens my knees. 

Edited November 12, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Brand New Kind

 

There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine,

When I walk past your office, next to mine.

I watch you through the window alone

Hear you laughing on the telephone,

A brand new kind of tingle, runs down my spine.

 

　

There's a brand new kind of shaking in my knees.

When you're in the elevator, close to me.

You don't see what I'm going through,

Longing to reach out and touch you

A brand new kind of shaking, weakens my knees.

 

Will you ever notice me,

Always close, but you don't see,

Is there something I can do

I only want to be, with you....

 

There's a brand new kind of aching in my soul,

And you should know it's my heart, that you stole.

You'll be happy to be with me

If you would only stop and see

A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul.

 

A brand new kind of tingle...

A brand new kind of shaking...

A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul.

 

Cheers

Kel

 

Kel, I really like how you've revised this. One line seems out of place of your rhyme scheme The 4th line in what I believe is the chorus. The first 5 lines it's AABCA, compared to the next 5 that are AABBA.. Just a suggestion.

If I'm wrong, sorry, trying to reciprocate.

 

Goldy    

 

Brand New Kind

 

There's a brand new tingle running down my spine,

When I walk past your office, next to mine.

I watch you through the picture window/maybe watch you through the window alone

Hear you on the telephone laughing,/ hear you laughing on the telephone   

A brand new kind of tingle, runs down my spine.

 

　

There's a brand new kind of shaking in my knees.

When you're in the elevator, close to me.

You don't see what I'm going through,

Longing to reach out and touch you

A brand new kind of shaking, weakens my knees. 

 

Cheers Sandy, great lines! Thanks, K

Edited November 12, 2013 by Kel

[Kel]

Kel, you are so observant, I meant blind me with your light. I was getting my lines mixed up. Blind me with your light, is an actual song. I hope it's okay to use that line.

 

Thanks for pointing that out. Do you think it meets the challenge?

 

Goldy      

Hi Goldy,

 

While lust and passion are explored quite vividly,I don't "feel" any love. I also feel a hint of obsession, and a little bit of vulnerability. It's like you started writing before you knew where your story would take you. I used to write like that. Write down one line, then another and live the story as it unfolds. However I'm learning more and more I need to know the whole story before I start writing any lyrics.

 

You don't seem to have a title, or I've missed it. It is very important. The title gives you something to write the song about. What is the meaning of the song? It's reason for existing? What is the message you want me to understand? Until you know the answers to those questions yourself, you can't really convey them to me, the listener.

 

I'll disect the lyrics...

 

Your eyes flicker   |    This verse tells me the singer feels vulnerable,

                                   because he/she runs from their

Hungry desire       |    lover. This could be reversed by the singer using                                        "my eyes" and "eating you alive"

Eating me alive     |    and saying, "You can't run away, there's nowhere to

                                  hide!" This would put the lover

I run from you       |     into the vulnerable role instead of the singer.

                                  Depends what you want though.

I cringe and hide   |

 

You pull me back      |  Pull the singer back from where?  

                                    Does the lover find the singer hiding?

Caress me gently     |   From here on it's fairly obvious what is going on

                                    without saying, but actions

Blazing with heat      |   without feelings don't really convey either

                                    obsession or vulnerability IMO.

Lust trickles down     |

Inflaming my sheets  |

 

 

Chorus:

 

Touch me in the Dark       |   I like these first three lines, but...

Wrap me in the night        |

Blind me with your light     |

I want you                         |  These next two lines are very cliche.

                                            I think you really need to make your

I need you                         |  main feeling (obsession/vulnerability) known                                               here.

I can't let you go                |

Touch me in the dark        |

I give you my soul             |

 

V:

 

You press your lips             |   As with the previous verse, more action

                                              without feeling. There is

Steaming on mine              |   reaction, with the increased heart beat but is

                                              it from fear or excitement?

My heart beats hard           |

Pounding on your chest     |   I think you lose some anonymity here. A guy                                               wouldn't pound on a girl's

Catching me off guard       |   chest. And how is pounding on his chest                                                      catching her off guard?

 

 

Repeat Chorus:

 

 

I can't say goodbye                 |  At last a hint of the singer's obsession

You hold me captive               |  or is it the singer's vulnerability?

Give me such a high               |  Not sure of this line...

Spread my broken wings        |  There is no hint of anything being broken  

                                                  earlier... these two lines

Make me think I can fly           |  create a what the? moment! Too late to                                                       introduce anything broken.

 

I know you wanted this to be your last re-write, but I think you create more questions than you answer.

I think you need a clear idea whether the singer is obsessed or the subject of obsession, and whether or

not the singer feels vulnerable. When you answer those questions for yourself, it should come easily.

 

Cheers,

Kel

Edited November 12, 2013 by Kel

[jamestoffee]

 

James, this is my critique of your song, although it's abstract, I find it's missing any kind of connection. You have to have some dots to connect or it's just babble. This is just my opinion, on how I perceive your lyrics.You have some excellent imagery, you just need to connect some dots.

 

Goldy  

 

Touch me

Mix pleasure with pain  This verse though abstract reads well

Call it obsession

Barely still sane

 

Feed me                This verse however, I can't see how pain relates to a grin.

Wet satin on skin

Arched in a quiver

Tense to a grin

 

Soft curls/Your soft curls

Fingered in slow twirls  Whose soft curls, too abstract, no connection to anyone. . 

Once a possession                                                                                                      

Now an obsession

 

Greedy/ no relation in my mind to obscenities/Heated or Lustful

Obscenities break    Another off the wall abstract no connection. Who can't stop it! 

Call it obsession       

Can't stop the ache

 

Needy

Burn, burn sweetly sick   The last line in this verse sounds like medical advise,

Exhale the shiver

Should do the trick Doesn't fit in with context. sounds awkward.

 

Soft curls

Fingered in slow twirls  Already commented.

Once a possession

Now an obsession

 

 

 

Hi Goldy,

 

Thank you for the feedback. 

 

I am not used to this thread kind of feedback, so I revised my original post with the changes there, but I will post them here as well.

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12567108

=====Revised Version=====

Touch me

You tease titillate

You’re my obsession

Don’t make me wait

Feed me

Wet satin on skin

Arched in a quiver

‘Til I give in

Your curls

Fingered in slow twirls

Now to confession

You’re my obsession

Tasty

Wind kissing licks

Exhale the shiver

Stuck smooth on lips

Please, please

Please stop this ache

You’re my obsession

Braided by fate

Loose curls

Fingered in slow twirls

Now to confession

You’re my obsession

[Kel]

Hi Goldy,

 

Thank you for the feedback. 

 

I am not used to this thread kind of feedback, so I revised my original post with the changes there, but I will post them here as well.

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12567108

=====Revised Version=====

Touch me

You tease titillate

You’re my obsession

Don’t make me wait

Feed me

Wet satin on skin

Arched in a quiver

‘Til I give in

Your curls

Fingered in slow twirls

Now to confession

You’re my obsession

Tasty

Wind kissing licks

Exhale the shiver

Stuck smooth on lips

Please, please

Please stop this ache

You’re my obsession

Braided by fate

Loose curls

Fingered in slow twirls

Now to confession

You’re my obsession

Hi James,

 

There is plenty of lust, but I don't feel any love.

 

Instead of saying "You're my obsession" describe how... "Can't get you out of my head", "I close my eyes and see you there...".

 

Just as John said we couldn't use the word "love" imagine he also said we can't use "Obsession" or "Vulnerable". That way you'll be using lyrics to describe your feelings... simile, metaphor etc rather than saying it outright.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[Kel]

I can't keep up with you lot! not got a song finished yet.

 

catch you up asap!

 

les

We all know the real reason... how to leave sheep out of the situation... we all know over in Kiwi all the sheep feel vulnerable because they are a national obsession!

 

 

 

Kel

[jamestoffee]

Hi Donna,

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan – ‘wan’ is a bit obscure.....try “Nowadays what’s going on?†or "Now, honey/friend/girlfriend tell me what's been going on"

Hollow eyes, no lipstick on -Nice line!

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun--Nice line! Great image in a couple lines to set the mood/concern

 

Pre chorus

He worked the charm

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss

Then did it go like this?

 

Chorus – a bit heavy for a chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me- switch of Point of View from 3^rd to 2nd

Come here close, you need to see

He's bad, and he won't ever let you be....consider setting up the relationship of this singer to the singee before now

 

Pre chorus

He worked the charm

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss

Then did it go like this?

 

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

Bridge –comes off a bit preachy by exalting the singer’s past wisdom, but then telling the singer....you’re sure to drown

Never told you this before

I knew him once, I won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

 

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

Outro

I won't say I told you so- still a bit condeseending, plus the fact that the singer “Never told you this beforeâ€....so what is the time frame lapse between the bridge and the outro.....how could the singer give new information and then say “I told you soâ€

But let me help you now to go......this idea might be better at the start of the song for clarity of the message “I want to help a friend out of a bad relationshipâ€....but then the title seems misleading.....the friend is saying don’t attempt to breathe?  It sounds more like something the bad partner would say.......unless the idea is the singee is in over her head......if so, consider setting up the “drowning is a bad relationship†metaphor sooner

 

Use what helps and toss the rest J

 

-James

 

 

OK, I re-assembled/revised an older idea, and went for Choice B. 

Have at it, folks.

 

Donna

 

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe 

 

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan

Hollow eyes, no lipstick on

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun

 

Pre chorus

He worked the charm

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss

Then did it go like this?

 

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me

Come here close, you need to see

He's bad, and he won't ever let you be

 

Pre chorus

He worked the charm

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss

Then did it go like this?

 

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, I won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

 

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

Outro

I won't say I told you so

But let me help you now to go

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

Edited November 12, 2013 by jamestoffee

[jamestoffee]

Hi Kel,

 

 

-----" he also said we can't use "Obsession" or "Vulnerable"."

 

Wow, if/since I missed that I'd be needing a lot of change for this one.....could you direct me to where that is in the posts?.....I'm not used to this style of thread, so I'm not surprised I'm missing some things here and there.

 

Thanks.

 

BTW - the lust/obsession is the one layer singer person to singee person....the other interpretation is singer person to someone's head of hair (their own or someone else's)

 

Hi James,

 

There is plenty of lust, but I don't feel any love.

 

Instead of saying "You're my obsession" describe how... "Can't get you out of my head", "I close my eyes and see you there...".

 

Just as John said we couldn't use the word "love" imagine he also said we can't use "Obsession" or "Vulnerable". That way you'll be using lyrics to describe your feelings... simile, metaphor etc rather than saying it outright.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[Rudi]

Hi James,

 

Touch me
You tease titillate
You’re my obsession
Don’t make me wait

Feed me
Wet satin on skin
Arched in a quiver
‘Til I give in

Your curls
Fingered in slow twirls
Now to confession
You’re my obsession

Tasty
Wind kissing licks
Exhale the shiver
Stuck smooth on lips

Please, please
Please stop this ache
You’re my obsession
Braided by fate

Loose curls
Fingered in slow twirls
Now to confession
You’re my obsession

 

 

I guess lust is standing in for love on this occasion. It frequently does. They are not mutually exclusive IMO.

 

The lines all seem abstract “Exhale the shiver†/ “Arched in a quiver†etc. They have vague imagery in the lust dept. I don’t know about “Stuck smooth on lips†though. That sounds surreal to me.

 

You have a theme underway with the first lines of V1 & V2. It was a little disappointing to see it stop there. ‘show me’, ‘find me’ etc. would have been a nice continuity device.

 

The (perceived) chorus is excellent though. Except it’s a sudden jolt from lines

 

Loose curls
Fingered in slow twirls

To

Now to confession
You’re my obsession

 

The obsession seems obvious to the listener. As confessions go, is it that much of a surprise for the subject?

 

So far as the challenge goes, it seems to tick the boxes pretty well, but it seems to come up a little short for a song. I hasten to add that this seems observation seems common to this type of song. Or at least the way we are collectively are doing it

 

Sex / lust / obsession (& maybe love).

 

Rudi

[jamestoffee]

Hi Goldy, 

 

My last rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsessed love and need.. 

 

 

Touch Me in the Dark

 

Your eyes flicker ......nice image with setting in the dark

Hungry desire......ok

Eating me alive......eyes don’t eat....is the desire hungry?  Who's?  the singer's or singee's?

I run from you......ok....makes me wonder why when the title says touch me in the dark

I cringe and hide......doesn’t fit the title yet

 

You pull me back....ok

Caress me gently  ....ok

Blazing with heat ......gently and blazing are different levels of intensity

Lust trickles down.....interesting line

Inflaming my sheets ...trickle and inflame seems an odd match

 

Chorus:

Touch me in the Dark....what switched from cringe and hide to touch me?...also at this point the singee is already touching the singer, so why ask for what is already happening?

Wrap me in the night....interesting

Blind me with your light....introducing a new image that is a bit out of place

 

I want you....ok

I need you....ok

I can't let you go....ok

Touch me in the dark....ok

I give you my soul....makes the singee supernatural

 

 

V:

You press your lips....ok....the syllable count is off a bit in the vers; if that’s something you are looking to match

Steaming on mine....lips steaming could be a turn on for some

My heart beats hard...ok

Pounding on your chest ...ok

Catching me off guard...why? it was already beating hard in cringing and hiding and no less so in being touched

 

 

Verse

I can't say goodbye.....why does the singer need to say goodbye

You hold me captive....captives don’t have an option to say goodbye

Give me such a high.....how does height work with the images of heat/light/dark?

Spread my broken wings....why broken?  Why running if the singer has wings? 

Make me think I can fly....maybe implies the singer didn’t think it possible for  “touching†an act as natural as “flyingâ€....but now being touched realizes his/her potential to trusts their instincts?....but if the wings were broken, wouldn’t the singer had been flying before...

....but ending on the image of flying or desire to fly doesn't really support the title/main idea "Touch Me in the Dark"

 

Take what helps and toss the rest J

 

-James

 

 

My last rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsessed love and need..  

 

Touch Me in the Dark

 

Your eyes flicker 

Hungry desire

Eating me alive

I run from you

I cringe and hide

 

You pull me back

Caress me gently   

Blazing with heat 

Lust trickles down

Inflaming my sheets 

 

 

Chorus:

 

Touch me in the Dark

Wrap me in the night

Blind me with your light

I want you

I need you

I can't let you go

Touch me in the dark

I give you my soul

 

V:

 

You press your lips

Steaming on mine

My heart beats hard

Pounding on your chest 

Catching me off guard

 

 

Chorus:

 

Touch me in the Dark

Wrap me in the night

Blind me with your light

I want you

I need you

I can't let you go

Touch me in the dark

I give you my soul

 

 

Verse

 

I can't say goodbye

You hold me captive

Give me such a high

Spread my broken wings

Make me think I can fly

 

 

Repeat chorus:

 

 

Goldy

 

 

[jamestoffee]

Hi Rudi

 

Untitled Song 19 ----This is a bit of a red flag; like driving with no destination in mind; freewriting.....

V1

Just enough to please and not enough to harm

But I’ll hurt you if you show me no respect

You’ll miss me when you are away more than you would dare to say

Give me your attention now, or I’ll lay it all to waste.....at this point, I’ve read a whole verse and don’t know what is going on

V2

You must keep your friends well away from me.....is this a command, or a declarative statement?

You know that I will only make them suffer

This thing can only ever be for us in perpetuity......what thing?

You will hear my call and you will answer.....I still don’t know what the singer is referring to

chorus

And I will have your respect.......why?

And I will have your attention.......why?

I could become everything that you request.....doesn’t sound like the same singer’s voice in the previous 2 lines

But you must strive for my perfection......I don’t know, sounds like maybe a karate teacher talking to a student

V3

four measured minutes of tender care.......what?

The same rendezvous every evening......I don’t understand?

All that you can express is measured by my blades caress......blade? like Freddy Kruger, or blades of grass, or roller blades?.....I am waiting for a big payoff line to bring this all together.......

As I am blessed while you stand receiving.......nope.....I don’t get it....maybe the closing Karate Kid.....honour to the teacher for being a teacher?

 

 

Take or toss feedback as you see fit J

 

-James

Untitled Song 19

 

V1

Just enough to please and not enough to harm

But I’ll hurt you if you show me no respect

You’ll miss me when you are away more than you would dare to say

Give me your attention now, or I’ll lay it all to waste

 

V2

You must keep your friends well away from me

You know that I will only make them suffer

This thing can only ever be for us in perpetuity

You will hear my call and you will answer

 

chorus

And I will have your respect

And I will have your attention

I could become everything that you request

But you must strive for my perfection

 

V3

four measured minutes of tender care

The same rendezvous every evening

All that you can express is measured by my blades caress  

As I am blessed while you stand receiving

 

Repeat chorus

 

Rudi aka Unwise Bill © 11-11-2013

[DonnaMarilyn]

James, thank you for your input here. Always good to see how others perceive a line or intention.

My response is below, in blue.

 

Hi Donna,

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan – ‘wan’ is a bit obscure.....try “Nowadays what’s going on?†or "Now, honey/friend/girlfriend tell me what's been going on" As part of the brief, we weren't to indicate the nature of the relationship (e.g. who the target is and who the singer is). 

Hollow eyes, no lipstick on -Nice line!

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun--Nice line! Great image in a couple lines to set the mood/concern Thank you. 

 

Pre chorus

He worked the charm

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss

Then did it go like this?

 

Chorus – a bit heavy for a chorus Yes, it's a dark story overall. The chorus describes the guy's obsessive behaviour. 

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me- switch of Point of View from 3^rd to 2nd The POV was never 3rd person. In the chorus, the singer is describing to the singee what the guy does to her (the singee). The last line of the pre-chorus leads into it "Then did it go like this?". 

Come here close, you need to see

He's bad, and he won't ever let you be....consider setting up the relationship of this singer to the singee before now We had to keep this under wraps.

 

Pre chorus

He worked the charm

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss

Then did it go like this?

 

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

Bridge –comes off a bit preachy by exalting the singer’s past wisdom, but then telling the singer....you’re sure to drown Interesting perception. I felt the singer was simply sharing information with the singee, to show that she (the singer) had proof of the guy's weirdness, and understand exactly the torment she was going through. But I'll look at the tone. 

Never told you this before

I knew him once, I won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

 

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

Outro

I won't say I told you so- still a bit condeseending, plus the fact that the singer “Never told you this beforeâ€....so what is the time frame lapse between the bridge and the outro.....how could the singer give new information and then say “I told you soâ€. I was worried this might sound wrong. My intention was simply that the singer is saying she'll never say 'I told you so' to the singee (if the singee decides to stay with the guy). But I see how this could be misinterpreted. I'll keep it in mind.

But let me help you now to go......this idea might be better at the start of the song for clarity of the message “I want to help a friend out of a bad relationshipâ€....but then the title seems misleading.....the friend is saying don’t attempt to breathe? No, the singer is simply describing the feeling that she knows the singee gets when the obsessive guy tries to control her.  It sounds more like something the bad partner would say.......unless the idea is the singee is in over her head......if so, consider setting up the “drowning is a bad relationship†metaphor sooner

 

Use what helps and toss the rest 

 

-James

 

Again, thank you. I have a couple of things to ponder.

 

Donna

Edited November 12, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[DonnaMarilyn]

Goldy, this is tighter than the original. I've made just a few quick comments based on first impressions.

 

Keep or sweep, of course.

 

Donna

 

 

My last rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsessed love and need..  

 

Touch Me in the Dark The title got my attention. 

 

Your eyes flicker Perhaps something stronger than 'flicker'? Maybe something like 'warn of' or 'threaten', or 'betray', or  'hint at', or whatever?

Hungry desire

Eating me alive

I run from you 

I cringe and hide

 

You get off to a good, lusty start, but the last two lines in V1 imply that the singer is unwilling, which doesn't seem to fit the context. Somehow 'cringe and hide' takes me out of the action. The singer might feel a moment's panic and hesitation, have half a mind to run, but I don't see her cringing.

 

You pull me back

Caress me gently   Can you describe the gesture without using an adverb? Let the reader/listener experience how the caress feels.

Blazing with heat  What is it that's blazing with heat? The lust?

Lust trickles down

Inflaming my sheets 

 

 

Chorus:

 

Touch me in the Dark

Wrap me in the night

Blind me with your light

I want you

I need you

I can't let you go

Touch me in the dark

I give you my soul

 

V:

 

You press your lips

Steaming on mine The word 'steaming' in this context doesn't quite cut it for me. 

My heart beats hard

Pounding on your chest  Suggest 'against' rather than 'on'. At first I thought it was the singer pounding on the guy's chest.

Catching me off guard

 

 

Chorus:

 

Touch me in the Dark

Wrap me in the night

Blind me with your light

I want you

I need you

I can't let you go

Touch me in the dark

I give you my soul

 

 

Verse

 

I can't say goodbye

You hold me captive

Give me such a high I feel this line is weaker than the previous two. It's a cliche.

Spread my broken wings Nice image in these last two lines, though there's no indication earlier of the singer being broken in any way.

Make me think I can fly

 

 

Repeat chorus:

 

 

Goldy

 

 

Edited November 12, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Rudi]

There's a brand new kind of aching in my soul,

And you should know it's my heart, that you stole.

You'll be happy to be with me

If you would only stop and see

A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul.

 

A brand new kind of tingle...

A brand new kind of shaking...

A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul.

Cheers

Kel

 

 

Hey Kel,

 

You got the hook nailed then. ‘Brand New Kind of…’

 

I have an idea that wont go away. I very much like ending with the refrain variable:

‘Tingle, shaking, aching,’ in it.

 

You have only been specific about the office, the lift & the telephone. So that only excludes the unemployed. Unless you did a follow up with the Job Centre, Social Security queue etc of course J.

 

So it’s not too specific, which is good for the challenge. It’s ticking all the boxes. I cant find anything wrong at all. In fact every time I read it, I like it even more.

Ace job mate!

 

Rudi

[DonnaMarilyn]

Here's an adjusted version. Thank you to Goldy and James for feedback.

The lines in brackets [ ] in the pre-chorus are meant to be sung in the background.

Still not mad about the outro.

 

Donna

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe  (Second version)

 

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan

Dark-rimmed eyes, no lipstick on

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun

 

Pre chorus

Did he work the charm?

   [i know he did]

Hold out his arms?

   [His secret hid]

Work the kiss?

Then did it start to go like this?

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me

Come here close, you need to see

He's bad, and he won't ever let you be

 

Pre chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, but won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

Outro

I'd hate to say I told you so

...And girl, you're done if you don't go

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

Edited November 12, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn