Challenge #19 Open Lyrics - Take Two

[goldylocks]

Now, Vagda I really like how you revised this, it is poetic, beautifully written with passion and emotion! Bravo girl, now put it to music! It's that good!

 

Goldy    

 

I've made a few changes to my lyric with the critiques of James and Goldy in mind.

 

Don't ask for forever
 

Verse:

I've spent a lifetime looking at you

Deep inside the corners of my mind

Embracing illusions I wish were true

Emotions I can't leave behind

 

Verse:

You can break me into little pieces/flows so much better, and reads beautifully

Setting free my pain and fears

For you I've made a thousand whishes/wishes

Still I've been waiting here for years

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It's never lasting long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

Whising I could ask for forever/Wishing

 

Verse:

Send you empty letters from my heart

Unspoken words I can't dismiss

You are the biggest part, I fall apart

I only need one simple kiss

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It's never lasting long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

Whising I could ask for foreve/Wishing

 

Edited November 13, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Now Rud, this is hot! Don't be offended, but hear this is a very heavy metal rock song. The words cut right through with such force! Sharp and to the point with raw emotion! Hot! Hot! Hot! In my opinion, again it's only my opinion, but I wouldn't change one word!

 

Goldy

 

Untitled is on ice. Heres another try with a new one.

 

It’s a Lie   (Song 2 : challenge #19)

 

V1

That warmth is a lie

That elation is a lie

That feeling that you found, so real and profound

It grew from a seed that was fed by your need

And it’s a lie.

 

V2

That joy is a lie

That pledge is a lie

That promise you believe was designed to deceive

It grew from a trust that was only ever lust

And it’s a lie

 

Bridge:

The lies that use your time when you are in your prime

The lies that harm your health are always the ones that you tell yourself

 

V3

That vow is a lie

That song is a lie

Invest your emotion, your heartfelt devotion

You’ll live to feed some other sucker’s greed

And it’s a lie

 

Coda:

Surrender to the lie and remember it until the day you die

Kiss your life,

Kiss your life

Kiss your life

bye bye bye

 

Rudi aka Unwise Bill © 13-November 2013

Edited November 14, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

I thought I wrote the last revision Les, but you gave me some more ideas, so here's another gamut run. Thank you. I'm done now, Finito terminar, Das End.

 

Steal My Soul

 

Your words speak 

With hungry desire

Luring me with lies

I want to run 

Find a place to hide

 

 

You tug at my will

Break me right down

Touch me deep inside 

Smile and walk away  

Then brush me aside   

 

Chorus:

 

You steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You steal my soul

 

V:

 

When you kiss me

I surrender to you

Feelings start to rise 

I'm caught off guard 

You take by surprise

 

Chorus:

 

You steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You steal my soul

 

Verse

 

Your constant haunting

A vice I can't escape    

I 'm caught in a snare

Watched with obsession

While you prey on my fear 

 

 

 

Goldy

Edited November 14, 2013 by goldylocks

[Rudi]

Goldy & Les,

Thanks for looking.

It is definately one of yours thats for sure, the only thing I did wonder about was why you did not combine "vow" and "pledge" in the same verse? but does not mean it does not work ok just wondered?

 

Ỳou are quite right about that. I cheated.

 

I'd better have another look.

[Vagdavercustis]

 

Vagda girl,

 

This is a touching lyric. It might miss the mark where the challenge is concerned but I dont care, the sentiment is beautiful.

 

The last verse (I corrected a typo there) is the one that got me I think.

 

I suppose it could be about a family member about to pass, but it seems romantic to me.

 

Thanks for the verry nice comment

It's actually about someone who's in love but is to scared to say it.

And she has that feeling for so many years.

 

[Vagdavercustis]

Now, Vagda I really like how you revised this, it is poetic, beautifully written with passion and emotion! Bravo girl, now put it to music! It's that good!

 

Goldy    

 

Thanks for the verry positive comment!!

Maybe I should try to put it to music by someone

[DonnaMarilyn]

This is charming, Vagda. It's tightened up nicely. Lovely work.

 

Just a couple of small suggestions below. Keep or sweep.

 

Donna

 

I've made a few changes to my lyric with the critiques of James and Goldy in mind.

 

Don't ask for forever
 

Verse:

I've spent a lifetime looking at you

Deep inside the corners of my mind

Embracing illusions I wish were true

Emotions I can't leave behind

 

Verse:

You can break me into little pieces

Setting free my pain and fears

For you I've made a thousand whishes  wishes

Still I've been waiting here for years

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It's never lasting long enough for me Suggest 'It wouldn't last long enough for me'. 

If I can only get today  Suggest 'have' instead of 'get'. 

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

Whising I could ask for forever   wishing

 

Verse:

Send you empty letters from my heart I don't think 'empty' is necessary. It's clear that they're in the singer's imagination.

Unspoken words I can't dismiss

You are the biggest part, I fall apart  The biggest part of what? Perhaps re-think this line. 

I only need one simple kiss

 

Chorus:

 

 

[DonnaMarilyn]

Super job with this, Goldy.  It's cohesive, tight, and pulls the reader/listener right along. I really like the sparseness of the lines. It adds to the tension.

 

Donna

 

I thought I wrote the last revision Les, but you gave me some more ideas, so here's another gamut run. Thank you. I'm done now, Finito terminar, Das End.

 

Steal My Soul

 

Your words speak 

With hungry desire

Luring me with lies

I want to run 

Find a place to hide

 

 

You tug at my will

Break me right down

Touch me deep inside 

Smile and walk away  

Then brush me aside   

 

Chorus:

 

You steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You steal my soul

 

V:

 

When you kiss me

I surrender to you

Feelings start to rise 

I'm caught off guard 

You take by surprise

 

Chorus:

 

Verse

 

Your constant haunting

A vice I can't escape    

I 'm caught in a snare

Watched with obsession

While you prey on my fear 

 

Goldy

 

[Kel]

 

I've made a few changes to my lyric with the critiques of James and Goldy in mind.

 

Don't ask for forever

 

Verse:

I've spent a lifetime looking at you

Deep inside the corners of my mind

Embracing illusions I wish were true

Emotions I can't leave behind

 

Verse:

You can break me into little pieces

Setting free my pain and fears

For you I've made a thousand whishes

Still I've been waiting here for years

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It's never lasting long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

Whising I could ask for forever

 

Verse:

Send you empty letters from my heart

Unspoken words I can't dismiss

You are the biggest part, I fall apart

I only need one simple kiss

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It's never lasting long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

Whising I could ask for forever

 

Hello V,

 

Donna has suggested a couple of changes that I agree with, just better English really. You do really well considering it isn't your native tongue!

 

I'm not too fond of the last line of your chorus. It's too close to your first line, to contradict it in my opinion. Id suggest something like the options below...

 

Chorus:

I'm not asking for forever

It's not long enough for me

If I can only have today

I would spend it all with you

In your loving arms I'd lay, and

I'm not asking for forever

 

OR

 

I'm not asking for forever

It's not long enough for me

If I can only have today

I would spend it all with you

In your loving arms I'd lay, and

And wish forever you would stay.

 

Mind you, others like it how it is...

 

Kel

[jamestoffee]

Thanks for the listen, questions, and feedback.

 

>>>> Maybe if you can explain the things I don't understand that I get a better look on it

I will try

 

>>>Run the red lights Is this somekind of English saying? 'Cause I don't seem to understand it

Yes, it means to pass through the intersection without stopping or waiting for the signal light to change to green....typically done to reach a destination faster like an emergency vehicle, or a high speed chase.....there are a couple more derogatory meanings, which although not intended, could work as well.

 

>>> Used all the paint I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Painting her name on something. I'm clueless (sorry I'm really tired)

The singer is giving ownership of his/her body over to the singee; either figuratively, or literally, if body painting gets an arousal.

 

>>> Arched in a quiver Not sure what this means
If you do a Google image search for “back archedâ€, you are sure to see some body positions that suggest sexual interest/arousal......."quiver" refers to the body shaking slightly; either from tension of the positioning and/or anticipation of physical contact.

 

 

 

 

 

   

Finally found some time to read everything trough so I'll try to give some usefull critique

You have a poetic style of writing. It reads smoothly and I feel the lust and the wanting.
So that's a good thing! I just don't understand everything in there so it leaves me a little confused at the end. Maybe that's just me. English is not my motherlanguage so I don't understand every word of what anybody is saying here
Maybe if you can explain the things I don't understand that I get a better look on it

[jamestoffee]

Hi Goldy,

 

I could be misinterpreting your meaning.  Maybe you mean "done" until you put some music to it....yes? 

 

So many times an awkward word or phrase will pop up when the lyric is sung that there is often room for adjustments.

 

 

I thought I wrote the last revision Les, but you gave me some more ideas, so here's another gamut run. Thank you. I'm done now, Finito terminar, Das End.

 

 

[DonnaMarilyn]

Thanks for initial input from Goldy, then from James, and most recently from Vagda.

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe  (Final (I hope ) version. And I've done away with the vernacular 'ain't' and the dropped 'g's.)

 

V1

Nowadays you're looking wan

Hollow eyes, no lipstick on

You're blonde but you aren't having any fun

 

Pre chorus

Did he work the charm?

   [His secret hid]

Hold out his arms?

   [i know he did]

Work the kiss?

Then did it start to go like this?

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned colder, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

Almost a threat

...Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I can feel your growing fear

Come real close, you need to hear

How bad he is, he'll never let you be

 

Pre chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, but won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

 

Chorus

 

Outro

Girl, you're done if you don't go

...Don't want to say 'I told you so'

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

Edited November 14, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[DonnaMarilyn]

Late to the party here, Rudi, but a few quick impressions spring to mind. 

 

I already like the imagery, and the tightness of the lyric, but feel it can be made even terser for more impact. 

 

I'd try dropping a few instances of 'that'. It clogs up the lines.

 

A couple of suggestions below. Keep or sweep, of course.

 

Donna

Untitled is on ice. Heres another try with a new one.

 

It’s a Lie   (Song 2 : challenge #19)

 

V1

That warmth is a lie

That elation is a lie

That feeling that you found, so real and profound  Smoother flow.

It grew from a seed that was fed by your need

And it’s a lie. Suggest dropping 'And' and having a pause instead (also in the other verses).

 

V2

That joy is a lie

That pledge is a lie

That promise you believe was designed to deceive Drop a syllable to help the metering match that of line 3, V1 (if you drop 'that'). Maybe use 'vow' here rather than 'promise'?

It grew from a trust that was only ever lust 'nothing but' flows more smoothly than 'only ever'.

And it’s a lie

 

Bridge:  Hmmm. Not sure about repeating 'lies' in the bridge. I'd like to see something else that provides a contrast to the verses and chorus.

The lies that use your time when you are in your prime  The term 'lies that use your time' is awkward'. Sense unclear. Maybe 'fill'?

The lies that harm your health are always the ones that you tell yourself

 

V3

That vow is a lie

That song is a lie

Invest your emotion, your heartfelt devotion

You’ll live to feed some other sucker’s greed Not sure about 'sucker'. Perhaps 'some other fool's need'? Smoother flow as well.

And it’s a lie Not sure what it is that's a lie - the fact of feeding some other sucker's greed? Sense unclear.

 

Coda:

Surrender to the lie, and remember it until the day till you die

Kiss your life,

Kiss your life

Kiss your life

bye bye bye

 

Rudi aka Unwise Bill © 13-November 2013

Edited November 14, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[DonnaMarilyn]

Hi James, finally getting round to yours.  Not too much to crit (though I'm going only by first impressions rather than delving into the various layers. Too much going on in my head at the moment as I juggle tasks and prepare for an overseas visitor. )

 

Donna

 

 

Here is an updated version:

 

 =====Revised Version 2=====

 

NEW TITLE: Y1W19 Kiss Me

updated mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564 

 

Find me

A smile’s all I wear  This made me smile.

Run the red lights

Tangle my hair

 

Claim me

I’ve brushed on your name

Marked every inch

Used all the paint

 

Give me what I have missed

Get out of my mind and onto my lips  Got a chuckle out of this as well.

Kiss me

 

Touch me 
You tease titillate 
Leave the lights on

Don’t make me wait 

Feed me 
Wet satin on skin 
Arched in a quiver I get what you mean here, but it's not connected to the previous two lines. Sounds as though the satin or the skin is arched in a quiver rather than the person. Suggest re-thinking how you express this image. I wonder too whether a person being 'arched and acquiver' might work better than 'arched in a quiver'?
‘Til I give in 

Your curls fingered in slow twirls 
Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

 

Loose curls fingered in slow twirls 
Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

Edited November 14, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Rudi]

Thanks Donna.

 

You have identified some weaknesses.

I will act on about 50% of your suggestions.

 

The other 50% might change if my musical ideas shift. That may happen, but not yet.

 

I like your insight.

[goldylocks]

Thank you Donna, for the nice compliment. I hope it came across ambiguous, as if it's a man or a woman singing this.

 

Goldy  

Super job with this, Goldy.  It's cohesive, tight, and pulls the reader/listener right along. I really like the sparseness of the lines. It adds to the tension.

 

Donna

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy,

 

I could be misinterpreting your meaning.  Maybe you mean "done" until you put some music to it....yes? 

 

So many times an awkward word or phrase will pop up when the lyric is sung that there is often room for adjustments.

James, I was saying that's my last rewrite. Finished, the end in different languages.

 

Goldy  

[goldylocks]

Thanks for initial input from Goldy, then from James, and most recently from Vagda.

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe  (Final (I hope ) version. And I've done away with the vernacular 'ain't' and the dropped 'g's.)

 

V1

Nowadays you're looking wan

Hollow eyes, no lipstick on

You're blonde but you aren't having any fun

 

Pre chorus

Did he work the charm?

   [His secret hid]

Hold out his arms?

   [i know he did]

Work the kiss?

Then did it start to go like this?

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned colder, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

Almost a threat

...Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I can feel your growing fear

Come real close, you need to hear

How bad he is, he'll never let you be

 

Pre chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, but won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

 

Chorus

 

Outro

Girl, you're done if you don't go

...Don't want to say 'I told you so'

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

I really like the changes you made Donna, it's musical on it's own as you read it. A very sassy Country song!

 

 

Goldy    

[goldylocks]

Hi James, finally getting round to yours.  Not too much to crit (though I'm going only by first impressions rather than delving into the various layers. Too much going on in my head at the moment as I juggle tasks and prepare for an overseas visitor. )

 

Donna

 

 

Here is an updated version:

 

 =====Revised Version 2=====

 

NEW TITLE: Y1W19 Kiss Me

updated mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564 

 

Find me

A smile’s all I wear  This made me smile.

Run the red lights

Tangle my hair

 

Claim me

I’ve brushed on your name

Marked every inch

Used all the paint

 

Give me what I have missed

Get out of my mind and onto my lips  Got a chuckle out of this as well.

Kiss me

 

Touch me 

You tease titillate 

Leave the lights on

Don’t make me wait 

Feed me 

Wet satin on skin 

Arched in a quiver I get what you mean here, but it's not connected to the previous two lines. Sounds as though the satin or the skin is arched in a quiver rather than the person. Suggest re-thinking how you express this image. I wonder too whether 'arched and acquiver' might work better than 'arched in a quiver'?

‘Til I give in 

Your curls fingered in slow twirls 

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

 

Loose curls fingered in slow twirls 

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

James, for the verse

 

Feed me 

Wet satin on skin/reverse the words/ wet skin on satin/ now I think it makes sense 

Arched in a quiver/Skin can be arched but wet satin arched, didn't make sense. just a suggestion

‘Til I give in 

Goldy    

[Vagdavercustis]

Made some changes with the critiques of Donna & Kell.
Hope it's okay now

 

Don't ask for forever
 

Verse:

I've spent a lifetime looking at you

Deep inside the corners of my mind

Embracing illusions I wish were true

Emotions I can't leave behind

 

Verse:

You can break me into little pieces

Setting free my pain and fears

For you I've made a thousand wishes

Still I've been waiting here for years

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It wouldn't last long enough for me

If I can only have today

I would spend it all with you

In your loving arm I'd lay
And wish forever you would stay

 

Verse:

Send you letters from my heart

Unspoken words I can't dismiss

You are my biggest part, I fall apart

I only need one simple kiss

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It wouldn't last long enough for me

If I can only have today

I would spend it all with you

In your loving arm I'd lay
And wish forever you would stay