Challenge #19 Open Lyrics - Take Two

[jamestoffee]

Hi Donna,

 

Nice rewrite. 

 

Here are some more thoughts...........

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe  (Second version)

 

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan

Dark-rimmed eyes, no lipstick on......I don't like this change as much....but personal preference

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun

 

Pre chorus

Did he work the charm?

   [His secret hid]............I like this switch of order better.....seems stronger

Hold out his arms?

   [i know he did]

Work the kiss?

Then did it start to go like this?

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to THREATEN

Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me

Come here close, you need to see.....The imagery of coming close and seeing doesn’t quite fit....it’s more listening than seeing something

He's bad, and [he won't ever let you be]....try a drowning image or metaphor here

 

Pre chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, but won that war....try a saved from drowning or suffocation image instead of war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky.......nice

...And you're sure to drown............nice

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew......maybe ‘turns colder’ like going under water

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to THREATEN

Do not attempt to breathe

 

Outro

I'd hate to say I told you so........Something about stay alive, keep afloat, sending out the lifeboat or search and rescue boat

...And girl, you're done if you don't go

 

Here's an adjusted version. Thank you to Goldy and James for feedback.

The lines in brackets [ ] in the pre-chorus are meant to be sung in the background.

Still not mad about the outro.

 

Donna

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe  (Second version)

 

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan

Dark-rimmed eyes, no lipstick on

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun

 

Pre chorus

Did he work the charm?

   [i know he did]

Hold out his arms?

   [His secret hid]

Work the kiss?

Then did it start to go like this?

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me

Come here close, you need to see

He's bad, and he won't ever let you be

 

Pre chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, but won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

Outro

I'd hate to say I told you so

...And girl, you're done if you don't go

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

[john]

Hi John,

 

   :WHAT?!?!?   .......and  ............well John, I will apologize for the misunderstanding, but I did have a good laugh ...........

 

 ........MY COMMENTS ON THE SONGS WERE  NOT ABOUT YOUR TWO SONGS.    

 

I just Googled the song titles for  two songs and the first song "Always On My Mind"was an Elvis Presley song and the second song "I Am One" was by the Smashing Pumpkins.......I thought those were the example songs he was referring to.........I hope this clarifies my earlier comments/song critiques to Rudi.....

 

 

-James

Lol, no worries

[jamestoffee]

Hi,

 

Good start J

 

Don't ask for forever

 

Verse:

I've spent a lifetime looking at you.....interesting

Deep inside the corners of my mind......ok

Embracing illusions that I wish to be true......ok

Emotions I can't leave behind......ok.....seems to fit the ambiguity and yearning

 

Verse:

You can break me into little pieces....interesting

Puzzle it until one fits to yours......a bit awkward phrasing.....could be clarified

The burning heat inside increases.....the puzzle and burning seem an odd paring of images

I've been stuck here for years......stuck is a 3^rd image unrelated to the other 2 in this verse

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever....ok maybe better present tense?  I’m not asking for forever

It never lasts long enough for me......try- cause forever’s not long enough for me

If I can only get today......try- Just give me one day

I would spend it with you- to spend (alone) with you

Lying here next to me- having you here next to me

 

Verse:

Send you empty letters from my heart.....not sure what “empty†refers to

Words are dispensable when it comes to this......what’s this/

You are the biggest part, I fall apart.....biggest part of what.....fall apart similar to jigsaw piece

I only need one simple kiss......Just give me one simple kiss

 

 

Take or leave as you see fit J

-James

 

 

I'm really out of inspiration the last few weeks.
But I've tried it

 

Don't ask for forever

 

Verse:

I've spent a lifetime looking at you

Deep inside the corners of my mind

Embracing illusions that I wish to be true

Emotions I can't leave behind

 

Verse:

You can break me into little pieces

Puzzle it until one fits to yours

The burning heat inside increases

I've been stuck here for years

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It never lasts long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

 

Verse:

Send you empty letters from my heart

Words are dispensable when it comes to this

You are the biggest part, I fall apart

I only need one simple kiss

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It never lasts long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

 

[jamestoffee]

+1

 

 

Hey Kel,

 

You got the hook nailed then. ‘Brand New Kind of…’

 

I have an idea that wont go away. I very much like ending with the refrain variable:

‘Tingle, shaking, aching,’ in it.

 

You have only been specific about the office, the lift & the telephone. So that only excludes the unemployed. Unless you did a follow up with the Job Centre, Social Security queue etc of course J.

 

So it’s not too specific, which is good for the challenge. It’s ticking all the boxes. I cant find anything wrong at all. In fact every time I read it, I like it even more.

Ace job mate!

 

Rudi

[jamestoffee]

Hi Rudi,

 

YES! That all fits together quite nicely now ......well if it helps one of my versions was meant to be sung to hair.......whatever keeps it going

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

-James

 

Ok James,

 

I wanted to write about chilli peppers. I love chilli peppers and use them when I cook for myself. I use them a lot. However, when I cook for others I always get the balance wrong. For example, the dish almost always ends up too hot for my beloved.

 

I realised I couldn’t sing about chillis though, because John had specified ‘a person’.

So the song is about me from the perspective of the peppers.

You should find that it all makes sense now.

 

Obviously, I was counting on the natural human preoccupation with other people & sex to see it from that point of view.

 

Rudi

[DonnaMarilyn]

Thanks for looking again at this, James.

 

Donna

Hi Donna,

 

Nice rewrite. 

 

Here are some more thoughts...........

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe  (Second version)

 

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan

Dark-rimmed eyes, no lipstick on......I don't like this change as much....but personal preference I agree. I prefer the original, actually, or 'hollow'. I'll give this more thought.

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun

 

Pre chorus

Did he work the charm?

   [His secret hid]............I like this switch of order better.....seems stronger I agree. Thanks!

Hold out his arms?

   [i know he did]

Work the kiss?

Then did it start to go like this?

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to THREATEN

Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me

Come here close, you need to see.....The imagery of coming close and seeing doesn’t quite fit....it’s more listening than seeing something I take your point. I was thinking in terms of the singer trying to paint a picture for the girl with her words. I'll ponder this, though.

He's bad, and [he won't ever let you be]....try a drowning image or metaphor here 

 

Pre chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, but won that war....try a saved from drowning or suffocation image instead of war

I'm hesitant to over-use the drowning metaphor. By 'war', I want to emphasise the conflict the singer had been engaged in to survive. She was stronger than the singee is (at the moment). But I'll give the suggestion thought.

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky.......nice

...And you're sure to drown............nice

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew......maybe ‘turns colder’ like going under water I'd like to keep the partial rhyme sounds of little/bitter. Mind you, 'colder'/'orders' might work as well. I'll think on it.

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to THREATEN

Do not attempt to breathe

 

Outro

I'd hate to say I told you so........Something about stay alive, keep afloat, sending out the lifeboat or search and rescue boat 

...And girl, you're done if you don't go

[Rudi]

Les, this is a superb lyric.

 

For me this part has said it all

I want more

I travel alone almost every day

Although people are around me

Wrapped in my own little world

On the bus to where I hope to find you

The journey can seem endless

And I am filled with anticipation

 

 

The remainder is fine, but its reads like some of those songs that, having made their point, then go on to flesh it out more. If you need an example John Sebastian’s (Loving Spoonful) Daydream is a good one. I’ll bet that final verse took some sweat to write, but it’s the weakest by far.

 

But can you have a song that comprises just a few words? Neil Young did with ‘’Til the Morning Comes’. The whole song is just slight variations on one line, but it speaks volumes. If you dont know it, see what I mean:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_yO0a1-XWw

 

I want ‘I Want More’ to have less. If it were mine (and I wish it were) I would use the ‘I want more’ line as a refrain with bits of other lines in-dispersed. Repetition looks weak upon a page, but when sung it adds up beautifully. This is the sort of Idea I have.

 

I want more….

 

Like a child on Christmas morn

I want more…

 

The journey can seem endless

I want more….

 

I can’t help myself

I want more….

 

Good Luck

 

Rudi

[goldylocks]

Les I loved this, though I had no idea who it was you were talking about. The only nit I have, is your title is weak in my opinion. I believe, your verses have no rhyme scheme, correct me if I'm wrong. On the whole, I thought you did a great job! Made me want to read on to find out who the mystery person was. Unfortunately I couldn't figure it out.

 

 

I want more/maybe I've Got to Have You or I Want You

 

I travel alone almost every day/interesting introduction to your song, I want to find out who it is?  

Although people are around me

Wrapped in my own little world

On the bus to where I hope to find you

 

The journey can seem endless/ in my opinion this verse builds up more suspense 

And I am filled with anticipation

A wanting so deep within me

Feelings I long to but dare not share

 

Theres not a word I can use/ I love your chorus, full of emotional feelings and I got excited reading it! (There's)

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or/ Nice imagery

Like a child on Christmas morn/ More of the same

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch / you make us feel it!

I can’t help myself

I want more 

I want more
         

 

I smile at you at every chance/this verse adds to the mystery and builds up to the climax more

With hope that you might notice

The longing that I have for you

Feels like it is written across my face

 

I can’t get you out of my mind/ great verse to demonstrate the singer's obssession with the one they desire.

I am consumed by my desire’s

A constant urge to be near you

I find excuses and questions to try

 

Theres not a word I can use

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or

Like a child on Christmas morn

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch

I can’t help myself

I want more  

I want more

 

There are a few years between us / this verse doesn't answer the mystery,

Yes some people may throw us scorn bit of a let down.

In a few more no one will remember

In a few more years will I?

        

 

 

 

 

Goldy    

Edited November 13, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy,

 

I agree the rewrites made it clearer.  Good job!......one nit pick to take or leave....

 

"Wooing me with lies"  lies doesn't seem the right word at least at this part of the story, or the singer should not have this much information.....if she knows he is telling lies, it's not so woo-worthy .....while she is being wooed she should have a sense of truth/hope in the words for them to be effective.....no?

Everyone wants to believe that the sun, rises and sets on them! So a wolf in sheep's clothing is very persuasive, especially if the person is weak and submissive, not able to  tell day from night, which my character in the song is..Unfortunately most people can be deceived with a smooth lying wolf's tongue, that distorts the truth! How do you think Red Riding Hood was deceived? lol. Any how I changed it to luring, which as you know means set a decoy.

 

Goldy  

Edited November 13, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Vagda, I love the way you paint visual imagery with your wording. Over all a very nice song! A few revisions and it will be great! Of course that's just my opinion.

 

Goldy

 

Don't ask for forever

 

Verse:

I've spent a lifetime looking at you/

Deep inside the corners of my mind/nice picture imagery

Embracing illusions that I wish to be true/maybe wish were true, don't need to be

Emotions I can't leave behind

 

Verse:

You can break me into little pieces

Puzzle it until one fits to yours/ suggestion/Like a puzzle to fit to in place

The burning heat inside increases

I've been stuck here for years I've been stuck for years losing face

 

Chorus:/ I like your chorus, though I wish you could repeat your title to emphasize the strength of it.

I don't ask for forever

It never lasts long enough for me/it's

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

 

Verse: 

Send you empty letters from my heart/nice imagery

Words are dispensable when it comes to this/Unspoken words I can't dismiss/something like that. 

You are the biggest part, I fall apart 

I only need one simple kiss

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It never lasts long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

 

Edited November 13, 2013 by goldylocks

[Rudi]

Hi Goldy.

 

 

 Steal My Soul

 

Your words speak 

With hungry desire

Luring me with lies

I want to run 

Find a place to hide

 

 

You tug at my will

Break me right down

Touch me tenderly 

Smile and walk away  

Causing me agony   

 

 

 

Chorus:

 

You steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You steal my soul

 

V:

 

When you kiss me

I surrender to you

My heart beats hard

Feelings start to rise 

I'm caught off guard 

 

 

Chorus:

 

You steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You steal my soul

 

 

 

Verse

 

You always haunt me

I can't escape    

You watch me closely

Taking possession     

Holding on tightly

 

Repeat chorus:

 

 

Goldy

 

I'm not sure there is a multi-level there. Maybe a level & a half?

It sounds like a sexually exploited person (woman usually) at the mercy of a control freak..

 

If V3 had not owned up to kissing, it could have been any number of interpretations.

 

 Its a bit scary, because there is a victim telling the tale.

 

 

I love the line

'You plunder my mind'

 

I once used the word 'plundered' in a song too.

 

Technically, I think its perfect.

I'm uncertain that it meets the brief though.

 

Always pleasing to read you Goldy.

 

Rudi

[Vagdavercustis]

Finally found some time to read everything trough so I'll try to give some usefull critique

Hi Kel and Rudi and John,

 

Thanks for your critique/feedback

 

Here is an updated version:

 

 =====Revised Version 2=====

 

NEW TITLE: Y1W19 Kiss Me

updated mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564 

 

Find me

A smile’s all I wear Love this! 

Run the red lights Is this somekind of English saying? 'Cause I don't seem to understand it

Tangle my hair

 

Claim me

I’ve brushed on your name

Marked every inch

Used all the paint I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Painting her name on something. I'm clueless (sorry I'm really tired)

 

Give me what I have missed

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me Love this! 

 

Touch me 
You tease titillate 
Leave the lights on

Don’t make me wait Sounds good to me

Feed me 
Wet satin on skin 
Arched in a quiver Not sure what this means
‘Til I give in 

Your curls fingered in slow twirls 
Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

 

Loose curls fingered in slow twirls 
Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

You have a poetic style of writing. It reads smoothly and I feel the lust and the wanting.
So that's a good thing! I just don't understand everything in there so it leaves me a little confused at the end. Maybe that's just me. English is not my motherlanguage so I don't understand every word of what anybody is saying here
Maybe if you can explain the things I don't understand that I get a better look on it

[Vagdavercustis]

Here's an adjusted version. Thank you to Goldy and James for feedback.

The lines in brackets [ ] in the pre-chorus are meant to be sung in the background.

Still not mad about the outro.

 

Donna

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe  (Second version)

 

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan

Dark-rimmed eyes, no lipstick on

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun

 

Pre chorus

Did he work the charm?

   [i know he did]

Hold out his arms?

   [His secret hid]

Work the kiss?

Then did it start to go like this?

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me

Come here close, you need to see

He's bad, and he won't ever let you be

 

Pre chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, but won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

 

Chorus

Little by little

His voice turned bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

 

Outro

I'd hate to say I told you so

...And girl, you're done if you don't go

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

I like you're outro But that's just me. 

I don't have much to say about it... I really like it as it is!

I can allmost hear the chorus sung with the background singers Really great!!

Maybe for the outro:

Girl, you're done if you don't go

Don't let me say, I told you so

 

Anyway good job! I'm a fan of it

[Vagdavercustis]

So it's about a school teacher.. 
I first thought it was about your love for the busdriver

I think you should leave out the butterflies in your chorus.
Like a child on Christmas morn is good enough and not as cliche as butterflies

I'm just not sure about you're first verse.
Maybe rewrite it totally. I've never been to school by bus but with my bike.
So I guess that's why I couldn't make the link to a teacher.

If I was in love with a teacher I would dream about getting detention and he would supervise

I like you're last 2 verses. It describes the love you feel for her and the kind of obsession for her at that time.

You have been given some good advice by the others.
So a lot to think over and I'm curious about you're rewrite

 

Hi Guys

 

This is still work in progress, I chose an odd theme to try and write this for and I am not sure the concept will be apparant? but if you spot who this could be about please let me know. that way I know if it is coming across as intended.

 

Bridge at end is trying to add to the trail of clues.

 

I will try to catch up on all yours but you have gone balistic and I am still trying to get this right.

 

Cheers

 

Les

 

 

I want more

 

I travel alone almost every day

Although people are around me

Wrapped in my own little world

On the bus to where I hope to find you

 

The journey can seem endless

And I am filled with anticipation

A wanting so deep within me

Feelings I long to but dare not share

 

Theres not a word I can use

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or

Like a child on Christmas morn

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch

I can’t help myself

I want more 

I want more
         

 

I smile at you at every chance

With hope that you might notice

The longing that I have for you

Feels like it is written across my face

 

I can’t get you out of my mind

I am consumed by my desire’s

A constant urge to be near you

I find excuses and questions to try

 

Theres not a word I can use

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or

Like a child on Christmas morn

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch

I can’t help myself

I want more  

I want more

 

There are a few years between us

Yes some people may throw us scorn

In a few more no one will remember

In a few more years will I?

[Vagdavercustis]

Good job girl!!
I like it from the beginning to the ending
When I read it I think about a girl who's fallen for a bad guy.
She knows he's bad but she just can't control herself around him.
Love the idea and the lyric! Maybe others can find something that can be better.
But for me it's great as it is
 

 

My fourth rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsession and need. Obsession is abnormal behavior. In other words obsession and love can not co-exist.

. .

 

Thanks James, Kel, Donna, for your help. I hope this hits the nail at least near the head.

 

Goldy.  

 

 Steal My Soul

 

Your words speak 

With hungry desire

Luring me with lies

I want to run 

Find a place to hide

 

 

You tug at my will

Break me right down

Touch me tenderly 

Smile and walk away  

Causing me agony   

 

 

 

Chorus:

 

You steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You steal my soul

 

V:

 

When you kiss me

I surrender to you

My heart beats hard

Feelings start to rise 

I'm caught off guard 

 

 

Chorus:

 

You steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You steal my soul

 

 

 

Verse

 

You always haunt me

I can't escape    

You watch me closely

Taking possession     

Holding on tightly

 

Repeat chorus:

 

 

Goldy

 

 

[Rudi]

Untitled is on ice. Heres another try with a new one.

 

It’s a Lie   (Song 2 : challenge #19)

 

V1

That warmth is a lie

That elation is a lie

That feeling that you found, so real and profound

It grew from a seed that was fed by your need

And it’s a lie.

 

V2

That joy is a lie

That pledge is a lie

That promise you believe was designed to deceive

It grew from a trust that was only ever lust

And it’s a lie

 

Bridge:

The lies that use your time when you are in your prime

The lies that harm your health are always the ones that you tell yourself

 

V3

That vow is a lie

That song is a lie

Invest your emotion, your heartfelt devotion

You’ll live to feed some other sucker’s greed

And it’s a lie

 

Coda:

Surrender to the lie and remember it until the day you die

Kiss your life,

Kiss your life

Kiss your life

bye bye bye

 

Rudi aka Unwise Bill © 13-November 2013

[Vagdavercustis]

I've made a few changes to my lyric with the critiques of James and Goldy in mind.

 

Don't ask for forever
 

Verse:

I've spent a lifetime looking at you

Deep inside the corners of my mind

Embracing illusions I wish were true

Emotions I can't leave behind

 

Verse:

You can break me into little pieces

Setting free my pain and fears

For you I've made a thousand whishes

Still I've been waiting here for years

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It's never lasting long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

Whising I could ask for forever

 

Verse:

Send you empty letters from my heart

Unspoken words I can't dismiss

You are the biggest part, I fall apart

I only need one simple kiss

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It's never lasting long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

Whising I could ask for forever

[goldylocks]

Thank you Vagda, I rewrote this 4 times, did you see the original one Rage. I think you would really like it. Unfortunately it didn't fit the challenge. It still is my favorite though. Again thank you for the cheer leader comments.

 

Goldy  

Good job girl!!
I like it from the beginning to the ending
When I read it I think about a girl who's fallen for a bad guy.
She knows he's bad but she just can't control herself around him.
Love the idea and the lyric! Maybe others can find something that can be better.
But for me it's great as it is
 

Edited November 13, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Thanks Rudi, I'm not sure I can I identify what multilevel is my self. I can only keep trying, but I was satisfied with this song, so I just have to grow into the next one. 

 

Goldy  

Hi Goldy.

 

 

I'm not sure there is a multi-level there. Maybe a level & a half?

It sounds like a sexually exploited person (woman usually) at the mercy of a control freak..

 

If V3 had not owned up to kissing, it could have been any number of interpretations.

 

 Its a bit scary, because there is a victim telling the tale.

 

 

I love the line

'You plunder my mind'

 

I once used the word 'plundered' in a song too.

 

Technically, I think its perfect.

I'm uncertain that it meets the brief though.

 

Always pleasing to read you Goldy.

 

Rudi

[Rudi]

Verse:

Send you empty letters from my heart

Unspoken words I can't dismiss

You are the biggest part, I fall apart

I only need one simple kiss

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It's never lasting long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

Wishing I could ask for forever

 

Vagda girl,

 

This is a touching lyric. It might miss the mark where the challenge is concerned but I dont care, the sentiment is beautiful.

 

The last verse (I corrected a typo there) is the one that got me I think.

 

I suppose it could be about a family member about to pass, but it seems romantic to me.