Challenge #19 Open Lyrics - Take Two

john · November 10, 2013

Hi Gang

At Rudi's request, and to be truthful to be true to your artist development needs, this week's challenge is the writing of open lyrics for an as yet undisclosed need.

Unfortunately we lost the client for last week's challenge as, although impressed with the songs they weren't open enough for the producer. They ended up going with an unexpected viewpoint that none of the lyrics in the challenge met.

So, this week we really need open lyrics.

To make this easier we will be going with the easiest of topics.

Love.

You must write a song that:

Doesn't reveal the target

Doesn't reveal who you are

Doesn't mention the word love

however it must work on at least two levels. You have two basic two level formulaes to choose from for this challenge:

Choice A:

One level that can be interpreted as expressing love

and

One level that can be interpreted as being obsessed with someone

Choice B:

One level that can be interpreted as expressing love

and

One level that can be interpreted as expressing concern for someone who is vulnerable

Whichever you choose, A or B, your song must support the two levels of interpretation for that choice.

Emotions should be strongly expressed. Avoid whys and explanation. This is an exercise in balanced ambiguity.

Please have a look at my two lyrics "Always On My Mind" and "I Am One". Both use emotive language and ambiguity.

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/33137-ambiguous-target-multi-layered-lyrics/

Additionally, Hit and Run also uses ambiguity and emotive language in multi-level lyrics, and it uses a metaphor that runs through the song where the metaphor for the relationship is that of a car accident. The finished lyrics (not published yet) have most of the bridge lyrics removed leaving it a far more ambiguous set of lyrics that are multi-level. The accident is the obvious one level interpretation, that it is used as a relationship metaphor is the second level. If ambiguity hadn't been used, this song probably wouldn't work.

Why would you want to use ambiguity?

One of the main reasons is to broaden appeal. The more people who identify with a song, the better the chance it has of becoming popular. By writing a song with a definite subject, definite characters, people who identify with the characters will more strongl;y identify with your work than people who are not.

If I write a song called "I love Karen", then people called Karen would moest likely, more strongly identify with the song, feel I was speaking to them.

If I write "I love Blondes", then no doubt brunettes and redheads would feel excluded, while blondes would feel included and, loved!

If I write "I love women", no doubt women might get annoyed at my indiscriminate nature, but at the same time at least feel I was talking about them, while men and those of a non-gender nature might feel I didn't love them.

If I write "I love you" it speaks to everyone who reads / hears it. It includes them all.

If I write "I love you Karen", well damn I blew it, just as I was persuading everyone I loved them.

Now if I write "My heart races when I think about you", that says a lot, but isn't specific. I have described a physical manefestation of love, one of the many. I have said you, but I haven't specified who "You" is, or who I am for that matter.

So you can easily describe the physical sensations and reactions, you can describe emotions in a similar way, while still being ambiguous:

"When I see you I want to cry". I have conveyed emotion, a physical anchor of crying too, and I have been ambiguous.

"When I see you I can feel the tears run down my face" Purely physical, yet I have hinted at the underlying emotion, and referred to the fact that there is a connection between me the writer and you the person I see.

I hope this all helps

Please feel free to discuss both the challenge and the examples.

Cheers

John

Kel · November 11, 2013

Try reading this one, while humming "Every Time You Walk Into The Room"...

Brand New Kind

There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine

When I walk past your new house, every time.

Didn't know we lived so close and

Never guessed we prob'ly both know

Every one you meet, there on your street.

There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees.

When I pass by your office, and I see,

I see you through the window smiling,

Hear you in the staff room laughing,

Lighting up the day, in your own way.

Will you ever notice me,

I'm the one that you should be with,

A brand new kind of someone, it should be me.

There's a brand new kind of flutter to my heart,

And one day soon we'll never, be apart.

You'll be happy that I'm with you

There could be no other for you

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

I will treat you right, till dawn's new light.

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

Cheers, Kel

Edited November 11, 2013 by Kel

goldylocks · November 11, 2013

My ambiguous attempt at this difficult challenge. Twisted love and obsession

Rage

Verse

I can feel the rage

Stirring up my pride

Coming up slowly

Heat's starting to rise

Verse:

My body's on fire

Fever is rising

Burning up higher

I feel like I'm dying

Chorus:

Rage, Rage

It's coming up inside

From feelings I can't hide

Rage Rage

Flames are climbing higher

My body's on fire

From this desire

Verse:

Can't take anymore

Walking on hot coals

You haunt me like a ghost

And won't leave my soul

Verse:

My eyes smolder red

I don't thing you know

When you look at me

Passion's got control

Chorus:

Rage, Rage

It's coming up inside

From feelings I can't hide

Rage Rage

Flames are climbing higher

My body's on fire

From this desire

Goldy

Edited November 11, 2013 by goldylocks

Kel · November 11, 2013

My ambiguous attempt at this difficult challenge.

Rage

Verse

I can feel the rage

Stirring up my pride

Coming up slowly

Heat's starting to rise

Verse:

My body's on fire

Fever is rising

Getting up higher

I feel like I'm dying

Chorus:

Rage, Rage

It's coming up inside

From feelings I can't hide

Rage Rage

Flames are higher

My body is on fire

Verse:

Can't take anymore

Walking on hot coals

Like a haunting ghost

You stay in my soul

Verse:

My heart's in turmoil

Anger's got control

I'm seething in pain

But, you'll never know

Chorus:

Rage, Rage

It's coming up inside

From feelings I can't hide

Rage Rage

Flames now are higher

My body is on fire

Hey Sandy,

I love this. I feel it would make a top notch rock song, I can feel the energy as I read.

Sadly, I don't think it meets the challenge requirements:

To make this easier we will be going with the easiest of topics.

Love.

You must write a song that:

Doesn't reveal the target

Doesn't reveal who you are

Doesn't mention the word love

Choice A:

One level that can be interpreted as expressing love

and

One level that can be interpreted as being obsessed with someone

Choice B:

One level that can be interpreted as expressing love

and

One level that can be interpreted as expressing concern for someone who is vulnerable

I can see the obsession, but not the love. I don't think Rage works as a metaphor for Love, if that is what you are intending.

Love is a river.

Love is a mountain.

These are metaphors but replacing love with rage isn't how metaphor works, I'm pretty sure. (Where is my 5th grade English teacher when I need her?)

Keep this one though, it's a beaut!

Cheers,

Kel

john · November 11, 2013

Good first attempts.

Kel I think you did pretty well, but lines 2 & 3 of verse 2 blow it by tipping the balance far too far into the realms of stalker. Tone them down completely rewrite those two lines and you are getting close. Secondly, you could cram in some more emotional elements, ideally using some physical manifestations that would work for both love and obsession. You try it wth clammy hands, but association wise I think of that less to do with love. Perhaps in a less obsession obvious context it might be interpreted differently. Certainly one to watch.

Goldy, for a hard challenge I think you did pretty well too. You got love, though not straight forward and strong. A bit too much anger for that. Excellent. You have ambiguity. Excellent too. That has created a space. However, I can't see / follow the second thread of either obsession, or concern for a vulnerable person. I am guessing you went for the latter, but it could be either! If you were writing it not for this challenge I would say that is a good thing, because you could try to strengthen both of those interpretations so your lyrics worked for all three interpretations. However, the more interpretations you plant in there, the harder it becomes to both have more working interpretations, and to have the depth of connection you want people to have. For yours I suggest reading it through with a firm idea of love being felt and expressed. Don't make changes yet. Just note where the lyrics work well or don't work well with that interpretation on it. Then read it through with the sentiment of your second thread firmly in mind. Note down where it works well, where it doesn't work well. From both readings, are there lines that do nothing for either story? They are more or less wasted real estate. Look to use them. Go through, line by line, reconcile the two threads of story using your notes as a guide. As you get better at this you will do it in your head, for now I recommend scribbling it down. Come up with new lines. Replace weak or ineffectual lines. I don't think you need do much. Even reading it through once from the second thread perspective will help you identify lines to work on for that interpretation to work.

Lastly, a very successful lyric, that actually would exactly answer the choice A above would be "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. For years people thought it was a love song, whereas it is about a stalker. In fact it is deliberately written with ambiguity, using the tips I mention above.

"Every Breath You Take"

Every breath you take

Every move you make

Every bond you break

Every step you take

I'll be watching you

Every single day

Every word you say

Every game you play

Every night you stay

I'll be watching you

O can't you see

You belong to me

How my poor heart aches with every step you take

Every move you make

Every vow you break

Every smile you fake

Every claim you stake

I'll be watching you

Since you've gone I been lost without a trace

I dream at night I can only see your face

I look around but it's you I can't replace

I feel so cold and I long for your embrace

I keep crying baby, baby please

Every move you make

Every vow you break

Every smile you fake

Every claim you stake

I'll be watching you

Copyright Gordon Sumner

For years people debated what it was about. The ambiguity fuelled discussion, it built a huge buzz about the song. Just by using ambiguity and balance between different interpretations. Isn't that amazing? There are articles about the song. Sting has been asked in interview countless times. There is even a Wikipedia page about it! Lol what a success.

john · November 11, 2013

I would also add, Goldy, that it is very hard to balance rage with love within a song. Think of emotions, sensations that either support both or remain neutral. The level of support for both could well vary one way or other, but not so much that it breaks the other interpretation. Rage breaks love. At least for me.

If, as Kel thinks, you are going for obsession so your second thread, try this for an exercise.

Write down a list of emotions you would expect someone in love to feel

Write down a list of emotions you would expect someone obsessed to feel

Cross out the ones that aren't common.

Ok, now write down a list of physical manifestations of each emotion

Go through the lists. Cross out the ones that aren't common to both lists.

For example (deliberately short)

Love

Excitement

Adoration

Aroused

Anticipation

Hunger

Absorbed

Obsessed

Excitement

Adoration

Disappointed

Anticipation

Anger

Hunger

Absorbed

Look at each list. Remove anger and disappointed. Arousal could possibly be part of obsession, depending on the story. So lots of good common emotions.

Now the list of sensations

Excitement

Fast heart beat

Sweating

Shallow breathing

Fast breathing

Unable to keep still

Adoration

Hungry

Fast heart beat

Focused

Etc

You get the idea. It's a fairly good way to build a pool of sensations and emotions you can draw on without breaking one story or the other. There are some, like arousal that you can work in to fit both, somehow.

Kel · November 11, 2013

Good first attempts.

Kel I think you did pretty well, but lines 2 & 3 of verse 2 blow it by tipping the balance far too far into the realms of stalker. Tone them down completely rewrite those two lines and you are getting close. Secondly, you could cram in some more emotional elements, ideally using some physical manifestations that would work for both love and obsession. You try it wth clammy hands, but association wise I think of that less to do with love. Perhaps in a less obsession obvious context it might be interpreted differently. Certainly one to watch.

Cheers John, I've used a "brand new kind" of physical manifestation and probably upped the obsession but increased the adoration angle at the same time, I hope.

Funnily enough I thought about writing to the tune of Every Breath You Take but couldn't remember the tune all the way through, never being a Police fan. I have to study Sting though, I realise that!

Here goes take 2

Try reading this one, while humming "Every Time You Walk Into The Room"...

Brand New Kind

There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine

When I walk past your new house, every time.

Didn't know we lived so close and

Never guessed we prob'ly both know

Every one you meet, there on your street.

There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees.

When I pass by your office, and I see,

I see you through the window smiling,

Hear you in the staff room laughing,

Lighting up the day, in your own way.

Will you ever notice me,

I'm the one that you should be with,

A brand new kind of someone, it should be me.

There's a brand new kind of flutter to my heart,

And one day soon we'll never, be apart.

You'll be happy that I'm with you

There could be no other for you

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

I will treat you right, till dawn's new light.

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

jamestoffee · November 11, 2013

Hi All,

Newbie here

Title: Kiss Me

Listen to the mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564

=====Revised Version 5=====-

Claim me

A smileâ€™s all I wear

Run the red lights

Tangle my hair

Watch me

I see youâ€™re amused

Wipe off that smirk

Slip off those shoes

Your curls fingered in slow twirls

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

Touch me

Donâ€™t make me wait

Iâ€™m weak in the knees

My body aches

Take me

Leave the lights on

Iâ€™ll bite if you tease

Itâ€™s been too long

Give me what I have missed

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

solo

Loose curls fingered in slow twirls

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

=====Revised Version 4=====-

Claim me

A smileâ€™s all I wear

Run the red lights

Tangle my hair

Watch me

I see youâ€™re amused

Wipe off that smirk

Slip off those shoes

Chorus

Give me what I have missed

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

Touch me

Don't tease now you've come

I am a mess

I am undone

Take me

Oh my body aches

Leave the lights on

Donâ€™t make me wait

chorus

solo

chorus

=====Revised Version 3=====

updated mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564

Find me

A smileâ€™s all I wear

Run the red lights

Tangle my hair

Claim me

Iâ€™ve brushed on your name

Marked every inch

Used all the paint

Give me what I have missed

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

Feed me

Dessert between sheets

Satin on skin

You tasty treat

Touch me

You tease titillate

Leave the lights on

Donâ€™t make me wait

Your curls fingered in slow twirls

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

Loose curls fingered in slow twirls

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

=====Revised Version 2=====

Find me

A smileâ€™s all I wear

Run the red lights

Tangle my hair

Claim me

Iâ€™ve brushed on your name

Marked every inch

Used all the paint

Give me what I have missed

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

Touch me

You tease titillate

Leave the lights on

Donâ€™t make me wait

Feed me

Wet satin on skin

Arched in a quiver

â€˜Til I give in

Your curls fingered in slow twirls

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

Loose curls fingered in slow twirls

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

=====Revised Version 1=====

Y1W19 Obsession

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12567108

Touch me

You tease titillate

Youâ€™re my obsession

Donâ€™t make me wait

Feed me

Wet satin on skin

Arched in a quiver

â€˜Til I give in

Your curls

Fingered in slow twirls

Now to confession

Youâ€™re my obsession

Tasty

Wind kissing licks

Exhale the shiver

Stuck smooth on lips

Please, please

Please stop this ache

Youâ€™re my obsession

Braided by fate

Loose curls

Fingered in slow twirls

Now to confession

Youâ€™re my obsession

=====Original Version=====

Touch me

Mix pleasure with pain

Call it obsession

Barely still sane

Feed me

Wet satin on skin

Arched in a quiver

Tense to a grin

Soft curls

Fingered in slow twirls

Once a possession

Now an obsession

Greedy

Obscenities break

Call it obsession

Canâ€™t stop the ache

Needy

Burn, burn sweetly sick

Exhale the shiver

Should do the trick

Soft curls

Fingered in slow twirls

Once a possession

Now an obsession

Edited November 20, 2013 by jamestoffee

jamestoffee · November 11, 2013

Cheers John, I've used a "brand new kind" of physical manifestation and probably upped the obsession but increased the adoration angle at the same time, I hope.

Funnily enough I thought about writing to the tune of Every Breath You Take but couldn't remember the tune all the way through, never being a Police fan. I have to study Sting though, I realise that!

Here goes take 2

Try reading this one, while humming "Every Time You Walk Into The Room"...

Brand New Kind

There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine

When I walk past your new house, every time.

Didn't know we lived so close and

Never guessed we prob'ly both know

Every one you meet, there on your street.

There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees.

When I pass by your office, and I see,

I see you through the window smiling,

Hear you in the staff room laughing,

Lighting up the day, in your own way.

Will you ever notice me,

I'm the one that you should be with,

A brand new kind of someone, it should be me.

There's a brand new kind of flutter to my heart,

And one day soon we'll never, be apart.

You'll be happy that I'm with you

There could be no other for you

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

I will treat you right, till dawn's new light.

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

Hi Kel,

Thanks for the song reference. That helps a lot. I'm not sure the etiquette here at this forum if it is to comment on the first post or only on the revised, so I will comment here and read through your changes later.

There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine (nice physical reference)

When I walk past your new house, every time. (this line is a bit awkward.....it seems the singee is new to the neighbourhood as opposed to a new house being built.....also new house seems the singer already knew the singer from the old house.......also, â€œevery timeâ€ detracts from the 1^st line of â€œbrand newâ€

Didn't know we lived so close and.....Iâ€™m confused if the singer already knows the singee

Never guessed we prob'ly both know.........know what?

Every one you meet, there on your street.......Iâ€™m not understanding this

There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees......nice parallel to first vs 1^st line

When I pass by your office, and I see,....is this pass by like from the street?

I see you through the window smiling,......implies passing by from outside

Hear you in the staff room laughing,......implies the singee and singer work at the same place

Lighting up the day, in your own way.......by smiling?

Will you ever notice me,......singerâ€™s longing revealed

I'm the one that you should be with,........statement/wish

A brand new kind of someone, it should be me......there seems to be a mislabeling of who or what is the â€œbrand newâ€ If the singee is the brand new, then the new affects on the singer make sense, but if the singer is the brand new, implied in this line, it doesnâ€™t make sense b/c for the singee moving to a new neighbourhood and job, EVERYTHING is a brand new something

There's a brand new kind of flutter to my heart, (nice)

And one day soon we'll never, be apart......missing the connection of an introduction into the singeeâ€™s world....

You'll be happy that I'm with you

There could be no other for you

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

I will treat you right, till dawn's new light.

I will hold you tight, all through the night.....seems like the repetition, used to bring out emphasis, should be focused more on the title or main idea

Take whatever helps and toss the rest J

-James

jamestoffee · November 11, 2013

My ambiguous attempt at this difficult challenge. Twisted love and obsession

Rage

Verse

I can feel the rage

Stirring up my pride

Coming up slowly

Heat's starting to rise

Verse:

My body's on fire

Fever is rising

Burning up higher

I feel like I'm dying

Chorus:

Rage, Rage

It's coming up inside

From feelings I can't hide

Rage Rage

Flames are climbing higher

My body's on fire

From this desire

Verse:

Can't take anymore

Walking on hot coals

You haunt me like a ghost

And won't leave my soul

Verse:

My eyes smolder red

I don't thing you know

When you look at me

Passion's got control

Chorus:

Rage, Rage

It's coming up inside

From feelings I can't hide

Rage Rage

Flames are climbing higher

My body's on fire

From this desire

Goldy

Hi Goldy,

Nice start, a little editing could sharpen the impact of the message.

Rage

Verse

I can feel the rage -maybe state a physical reaction show instead of tell

Stirring up my pride- more telling (try switching to concrete nouns for ideas like â€œrage, and prideâ€

Coming up slowly â€“ does the fact that itâ€™s happening slowly impact the situation?

Heat's starting to rise- heat starts off a metaphor â€œrage is fireâ€

Verse:

My body's on fire â€“ why? Lust, sickness, anger?

Fever is rising â€“ already stated in V1

Burning up higher â€“ already stated in V1

I feel like I'm dying â€“ not known why.....the metaphor is not really developed by introducing death

Chorus:

Rage, Rage ....consider not using the same words in the verse and chorus

It's coming up inside.....already stated

From feelings I can't hide....how does this add....why should this be hidden?

Rage Rage

Flames are climbing higher... already stated

My body's on fire- already stated

From this desire....a new element of desire seemingly unconnected from dying and fire metaphor

Verse:

Can't take anymore.....take what?

Walking on hot coals....implies the emotion is external whereas up until now the emotion has been generating internally......ie slowly rising

You haunt me like a ghost.....ghost is not connected to previous imagery or metaphor

And won't leave my soul.....connection of soul and heat?

Verse:

My eyes smolder red.....indicates sadness rather than rage or desire

I don't thing you know.....I thought the singee was a ghost or like a ghost in other words not around

When you look at me .....is the singee present or not in the singerâ€™s life?

Passion's got control ......passion? sorrow? Rage? Dying? Consider one emotional focus

Take what works and toss what doesnâ€™t.

-James

DonnaMarilyn · November 11, 2013

OK, I re-assembled/revised an older idea, and went for Choice B.

Have at it, folks.

Donna

Do Not Attempt To Breathe

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan

Hollow eyes, no lipstick on

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun

Pre chorus

He worked the charm

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss

Then did it go like this?

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me

Come here close, you need to see

He's bad, and he won't ever let you be

Pre chorus

He worked the charm

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss

Then did it go like this?

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, I won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

Outro

I won't say I told you so

But let me help you now to go

Edited November 11, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

DonnaMarilyn · November 11, 2013

Kel, those first lines in each verse set the mood nicely. Tingle, weakness, flutter. Good words.

Overall, this is pretty creepy. I'll come back to it later, bit by bit. The challenge instructions are somewhat complex, and I can't keep them all in mind at once.

Donna

Try reading this one, while humming "Every Time You Walk Into The Room"...

Brand New Kind

There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine

When I walk past your new house, every time. The meaning is clear, but the sentence feels awkward. Perhaps rethink the order.

Didn't know we lived so close and

Never guessed we prob'ly both know

Every one you meet, there on your street.

There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees.

When I pass by your office, and I see,

I see you through the window smiling, Can you replace this 'I see' with something else?

Hear you in the staff room laughing, How can he hear her in the staff room?

Lighting up the day, in your own way.

Will you ever notice me,

I'm the one ~~that~~ you should be with,

A Your brand new kind of someon~~e, it~~ should be me. Feels lighter, flows more smoothly. Maybe think of a way to replace that second 'should'.

There's a brand new kind of flutter to my heart,

And one day soon we'll never, be apart. The sense here is odd. Suggest rewording: e.g. something like 'And I'll make sure we'll never be apart', or 'And soon you'll see we'll never be apart', or whatever.

You'll be happy ~~that~~ I'm with you

There could be no other for you Suggest a rhyme more dynamic that 'you'/'you'.

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

I will treat you right, till dawn's new light.

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

Cheers, Kel

Edited November 11, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

Rudi · November 11, 2013

Untitled Song 19

V1

Just enough to please and not enough to harm

But Iâ€™ll hurt you if you show me no respect

Youâ€™ll miss me when you are away more than you would dare to say

Give me your attention now, or Iâ€™ll lay it all to waste

V2

You must keep your friends well away from me

You know that I will only make them suffer

This thing can only ever be for us in perpetuity

You will hear my call and you will answer

chorus

And I will have your respect

And I will have your attention

I could become everything that you request

But you must strive for my perfection

V3

four measured minutes of tender care

The same rendezvous every evening

All that you can express is measured by my blades caress

As I am blessed while you stand receiving

Repeat chorus

Kel · November 11, 2013

Hi Kel,

Thanks for the song reference. That helps a lot. I'm not sure the etiquette here at this forum if it is to comment on the first post or only on the revised, so I will comment here and read through your changes later.

There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine (nice physical reference)

When I walk past your new house, every time. (this line is a bit awkward.....it seems the singee is new to the neighbourhood as opposed to a new house being built.....also new house seems the singer already knew the singer from the old house.......also, â€œevery timeâ€ detracts from the 1^st line of â€œbrand newâ€

Didn't know we lived so close and.....Iâ€™m confused if the singer already knows the singee

Never guessed we prob'ly both know.........know what?

Every one you meet, there on your street.......Iâ€™m not understanding this

There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees......nice parallel to first vs 1^st line

When I pass by your office, and I see,....is this pass by like from the street?

I see you through the window smiling,......implies passing by from outside

Hear you in the staff room laughing,......implies the singee and singer work at the same place

Lighting up the day, in your own way.......by smiling?

Will you ever notice me,......singerâ€™s longing revealed

I'm the one that you should be with,........statement/wish

A brand new kind of someone, it should be me......there seems to be a mislabeling of who or what is the â€œbrand newâ€ If the singee is the brand new, then the new affects on the singer make sense, but if the singer is the brand new, implied in this line, it doesnâ€™t make sense b/c for the singee moving to a new neighbourhood and job, EVERYTHING is a brand new something

There's a brand new kind of flutter to my heart, (nice)

And one day soon we'll never, be apart......missing the connection of an introduction into the singeeâ€™s world....

You'll be happy that I'm with you

There could be no other for you

I will hold you tight, all through the night.

I will treat you right, till dawn's new light.

I will hold you tight, all through the night.....seems like the repetition, used to bring out emphasis, should be focused more on the title or main idea

Take whatever helps and toss the rest J

-James

Hi James,

Thanks for your thorough analysis and thoughts. I agree with most things, and had a slight rewrite in mind before reading... I'll take your comments on board.

It's nice to have a fresh view, and there is no real protocol, just jump in and prepare to smile.

Cheers,

Kel

Kel · November 11, 2013

Kel, those first lines in each verse set the mood nicely. Tingle, weakness, flutter. Good words.

Overall, this is pretty creepy. I'll come back to it later, bit by bit. The challenge instructions are somewhat complex, and I can't keep them all in mind at once.

Donna

Thanks Donna,

I have another rewrite in the wind... I'll take your thoughts with me to the drawing board.

Cheers,

Kel

Kel · November 11, 2013

Yet another rewrite - still hum Every Time You Walk In To The Room...

Brand New Kind

There's a brand new tingle running down my spine

When I walk past your office, next to mine.

I watch you through the window darling,

Hear you on the telephone laughing,

A brand new kind of wanting, is in my heart.

ã€€

There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees.

When you're in the elevator, close to me.

You can't see what I am up to,

I'm longing to reach out and touch you

A brand new kind of needing, is in my heart.

Will you ever notice me,

Always close, but you don't see,

Is there something I can do

I only want to be, with you....

There's a brand new flutter to my heart,

And if you let me we won't be apart.

You'll be happy to be with me

And you'll wonder why you couldn't see

A brand new kind of fever, is in my heart.

My heart.

Cheers,

Kel

Edited November 12, 2013 by Kel

goldylocks · November 11, 2013

James, this is my critique of your song, although it's abstract, I find it's missing any kind of connection. You have to have some dots to connect or it's just babble. This is just my opinion, on how I perceive your lyrics.You have some excellent imagery, you just need to connect some dots.

Goldy

Touch me

Mix pleasure with pain This verse though abstract reads well

Call it obsession

Barely still sane

Feed me This verse however, I can't see how pain relates to a grin.

Wet satin on skin

Arched in a quiver

Tense to a grin

Soft curls/Your soft curls

Fingered in slow twirls Whose soft curls, too abstract, no connection to anyone. .

Once a possession

Now an obsession

Greedy/ no relation in my mind to obscenities/Heated or Lustful

Obscenities break Another off the wall abstract no connection. Who can't stop it!

Call it obsession

Can't stop the ache

Needy

Burn, burn sweetly sick The last line in this verse sounds like medical advise,

Exhale the shiver

Should do the trick Doesn't fit in with context. sounds awkward.

Soft curls

Fingered in slow twirls Already commented.

Once a possession

Now an obsession

Edited November 12, 2013 by goldylocks

goldylocks · November 12, 2013

Kel, this is my short critique, of your song, and there some suggestions I made. Only my opinion of course. Keep or sweep. It's a very romantic.

Goldy

Brand New Kind

There's a brand new tingle running down my spine/ nice imagery line

When I walk past your office, next to mine./ another great picture I can see

I watch you through the window darling /do you need darling, sounds trite,

Hear you on the telephone laughing,/follows previous 3 verses nicely

A brand new kind of wanting, is in my heart./ nice completion to first verse.

ã€€

There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees./ needs a better verb like shaking my knees

When you're in the elevator, close to me/. Nice follow up line

You can't see what I am up to,/ maybe going through

I'm longing to reach out and touch you/ I long to reach out and touch you

A brand new kind of needing, is in my heart / a new kind of feeling beating in my heart

Will you ever notice me, / will you ever glance my way

Always close, but you don't see,

Is there something I can do

I only want to be, with you....

There's a brand new flutter to my heart, Nice last verse for completion of song./ fluttering in my heart/ action

And if you let me we won't be apart./

You'll be happy to be with me

And you'll wonder why you couldn't see

A brand new kind of passion, is in my heart.

My heart.

Cheers,

Kel

Edited November 12, 2013 by goldylocks

goldylocks · November 12, 2013

Thanks Kel, for your comments on Rage, taking everything you said and John said, I wrote another song, I still don't know if it fits the challenge, but it's close. Just someone who is obsessed with lust and confuses it with love.I thought of Adele when I wrote Rage, thinking it's her style song.

Goldy

goldylocks · November 12, 2013

Donna, I made a few suggestions below in blue. It's just my opinion and I hope you'll see it as that. Keep or sweep.

Goldy

OK, I re-assembled/revised an older idea, and went for Choice B.

Have at it, folks.

Donna

Do Not Attempt To Breathe

V1

Nowadays you're lookin' wan

Hollow eyes, no lipstick on Sunken hollow eyes

You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun

Pre chorus

He worked the charm/ cast the charm /maybe

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss He planted a kiss/maybe

Then did it go like this?

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew/the voice snarled

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning/ such menace he's revealing

Lurking underneath/Rising from underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

V2

I sure wish you'd talk to me

Come here close, you need to see

He's bad, and he won't ever let you be

Pre chorus

He worked the charm

Held out his arms

He worked the kiss

Then did it go like this?

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once, I won that war

Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And you're sure to drown

Chorus

The voice got bitter, orders grew

Accusations, all untrue

Such menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

It seemed to warn

Do not attempt to breathe

Outro

I won't say I told you so

But let me help you now to go /Awkward line

2013 Donna Devine

Edited November 12, 2013 by goldylocks

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