Challenge #19 Open Lyrics - Take Two

[goldylocks]

+1

Thanks James!

 

Goldy  

[DonnaMarilyn]

James, you're right. I knew there was something that bothered me about the change in the bridge. I'd removed the vernacular from V1 in the previous version but inadvertently reintroduced it in bridge in the last version. I've reverted now to the original bridge (but shortened line 2).

(Rudi, I can use your excellent suggestion in another lyric. I've already begun writing it in my head.  )

 

Donna

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe  

 

V1

Nowadays you're looking wan

Hollow eyes, no lipstick on

You're blonde but you're not having any fun

 

Pre chorus

Did he work the charm?

   [His secret hid]

Hold out his arms?

   [i know he did]

Work the kiss?

Then did things go like this?

 

Chorus

Little by little his voice turned cold

Demands and wrong suspicions grew

Accusations, all untrue

...Menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

Almost a threat

...Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I can feel your growing fear

Come sit close, you need to hear

How bad he is, he'll never let you be

 

Pre chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once

...Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And he'll make you drown

 

Chorus

 

Outro

You won't be safe if you don't go

...Don't want to say 'I told you so'

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

Edited November 16, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Rudi]

Hi Donna,

 

Any suggestions of mine were to highlight areas for

 

1/ reconsideration. If agreed, then

2/ improvement

 

The suggestions were just examples from another point of view. Nothing more, so dont concern yourself needlessly.

 

re-writes are looking good.

Edited November 16, 2013 by Rudi

[goldylocks]

James, you're right. I knew there was something that bothered me about the change in the bridge. I'd removed the vernacular from V1 in the previous version but inadvertently reintroduced it in bridge in the last version. I've reverted now to the original bridge (but shortened line 2).

(Rudi, I can use your excellent suggestion in another lyric. I've already begun writing it in my head.  )

 

Donna

 

Do Not Attempt To Breathe  

 

V1

Nowadays you're looking wan

Hollow eyes, no lipstick on

You're blonde but you're not having any fun

 

Pre chorus

Did he work the charm?

   [His secret hid]

Hold out his arms?

   [i know he did]

Work the kiss?

Then did things go like this?/ good introduction to your chorus

 

Chorus

Little by little his voice turned cold

Demands and wrong suspicions grew/this is easier to understand

Accusations, all untrue

...Menace in his meaning

Lurking underneath

Almost a threat

...Do not attempt to breathe

 

V2

I can feel your growing fear

Come sit close, you need to hear

How bad he is, he'll never let you be

 

Pre chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

Never told you this before

I knew him once

...Another time, another town

...His depths are murky

...And he'll make you drown

 

Chorus

 

Outro

You won't be safe if you don't go like this line change/ reads much better

...Don't want to say 'I told you so'

 

© 2013 Donna Devine

Donna, it so confusing, which rewrite is which, but from what I saw to now, this is has turned out great!

 

Goldy    

[jamestoffee]

Hi Les,

 

Thanks for the explanation. 

 

The nice thing about vague writing is for the listener to have to fill in a story, so in my mind I came up with racial segregation when white and colored people sat separately on the bus. 

 

The singer could be white (possibly the bus driver) and the singee a black passenger....or your could reverse the skin colors, or even genders for that matter....the idea of taboo love. 

 

-James

 

Hi James

 

I have tried to explain what was in my head when writing this and as always as it starts things change as you go along. 

 

The song was based around a pupil/teacher crush which I tried to leave clues for but failed miserably! although.

I had 2 1/2 pages of other material with more clues e.g. enriching lives and so on which I didn't use even going towards the concerned part of the 2nd choice of the challenge.

 

Easier sometimes to write than explain lol! but hopefully it makes sense.

 

Les

 

 

I travel alone almost every day       crowded bus but singer does not acknowledge anyone else because of 3^rd line

Although people are around me     Thinking of singee, only thoughts are for them. Also only school days      hence almost every day

Wrapped in my own little world                 as above

On the bus to where I hope to find you     singer does not know if singee is going to be there? 

 

The journey can seem endless        Singer can't wait to get there and so seems to take forever

And I am filled with anticipation

A wanting so deep within me

Feelings I long to, but dare not share         due to singer is pupil singee is teacher

 

Theres not a word I can use                        This was a play on the challenge of not using the “word†“loveâ€

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or

Like a child on Christmas morn

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch

I can’t help myself,

I want more           

I want more           

 

I smile at you at every chance

With hope that you might notice

The longing that I have for you

Feels like it is written across my face          I was trying to leave clues to point to a pupil/teacher crush without using direct words, but I failed in the attempt to do that

 

I can’t get you out of my mind

I am consumed by my desire’s

A constant urge to be near you

I find excuses and questions to try             another clue to pupil/teacher with questions

 

Theres not a word I can use

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or

Like a child on Christmas morn

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch

I can’t help myself,

I want more 

I want more           

         

 

B

There are a few years between us             more clues to pupil/teacher

Yes some people may throw us scorn        possibility of ridicule but singer did not care

In a few more no one will remember         as it states, as you get older age difference does not matter much

In a few more years will I?                           singer wondering if as they get older will their feelings                              disappear and they will move on/forget

[jamestoffee]

Hi Les,

 

"Brick through my window" is a great strong image, or in this case simile.  Consider developing that image throughout the song instead of introducing so many other similes and metaphors.

 

For example:

Like a brick through my window

You grabbed my attention....bricks don't grab so this metaphor concept doesn't support.....try

 

Like a brick through my window

You SHATTERED my attention.....etc....rework the lyrics to support the title....which is a SMASH! -pun intended

 

 

I have written a different song for this challenge as  won't to work on the other separately and when I have more time using ideas you guys made.

 

Slightly!!! different style to the last and hopefully to brief,

 

I would be interested in your views of the concept! 

 

Based on an idea of at a mutual friends party but the singer didn't know Singee!

Then bam! she/he walks through the door.

 

is there a real word singee? lol!

 

I hope you like it!

 

Cheers

 

Les

 

PS, I don't think Hormone-ic is a word! lol I made it up and MSword don't like it much..

 

Like a brick through my window!

 

V

My first sight reaction

Was a hormone-ic interaction

A chemical imbalance of my mind

You set the wheels in motion

Now I’m trapped in devotion

Neither you nor I knew it at the time

 

V

The moment you looked

In my direction I was hooked

If I said I wasn’t I would be a liar

Red faced and blushing

I can feel my blood rushing

My veins feel like they are on fire

 

C

Like a brick through my window

You grabbed my attention

No other thoughts      

Could penetrate my mind   

You sparked a volcano of emotion

An involuntary compulsion

Perhaps a misguided notion

That you would be mine

 

V

Need to state it clearly

Not sure that you will hear me

Above the pounding beat of my heart

I'm driven to distraction

I've got to take some action

Dam it I don’t know where to start

 

B

I've run through every scenario

Of how to join your conversation

You are becoming an obsession

Who knows maybe you are already?

Where do you draw the line?

 

C

Like a brick through my window

You grabbed my attention

No other thoughts      

Could penetrate my mind   

You sparked a volcano of emotion

An involuntary compulsion

Perhaps a misguided notion

That you would be mine

[Rudi]

Les

 

It was a brick through my window too,

 

Its a brave dynamic step into something else. It has got raw power. Please go with this. If not this song, then with others.

[jamestoffee]

Hi Les,

 

Thanks for the critique!

 

-James

 

 

Title: Kiss Me

 

Listen to the mp3  http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564

 

 =====Revised Version 5=====-

 

 

Claim me

A smile’s all I wear

Run the red lights

Tangle my hair

 

Watch me

I see you’re amused

Wipe off that smirk

Slip off those shoes

 

Your curls fingered in slow twirls

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

 

Touch me

Don’t make me wait

I’m weak in the knees

My body aches

 

Take me

Leave the lights on

I’ll bite if you tease

It’s been too long

 

Give me what I have missed

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

 

solo

 

Loose curls fingered in slow twirls

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

 

 

 

 

Hi James

 

I have had a go at critique on your song and these are my thoughts as I read it.

 

If I come across a bit blunt please don't take it wrong I just find this the harder part of writing!

 

I may have of course got your song way out of context but that won't be a 1st lol!

 

Cheers

 

Les

 

Edited November 20, 2013 by jamestoffee

[john]

Hey Gang

 

If you remember I suggested that it would be a great idea to sum up lessons learned, no matter what they are, at the end of each challenge.

 

To that end, can you sum up what you learned by doing this challenge, and perhaps what you would do differently were you to try ity again.

 

I'm looking forward to reading your observations!

 

Cheers

 

John

[jamestoffee]

Rewriting often leads to better lyrics/songs.

 

Kill the fatted calf- if there is a line or phrase your are holding on to at the expense of the overall impact of the song, then let it go.

 

If something is not clear to one person, it's probably not clear to a lot more as well.

 

Write more verses than what you think you will use....the 1st idea is not always the best.

 

It's difficult to think what else to say after you think you have said what you want to say.

 

 

 sum up lessons learned

[Kel]

It is so much easier to write when you know what it is you want to say

you won't get it perfect first go no matter how awesome you think it is

Fresh eyes and time are friends