Challenge #19 Open Lyrics - Take Two

[Vagdavercustis]

I'm really out of inspiration the last few weeks.
But I've tried it

 

Don't ask for forever

 

Verse:

I've spent a lifetime looking at you

Deep inside the corners of my mind

Embracing illusions that I wish to be true

Emotions I can't leave behind

 

Verse:

You can break me into little pieces

Puzzle it until one fits to yours

The burning heat inside increases

I've been stuck here for years

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It never lasts long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

 

Verse:

Send you empty letters from my heart

Words are dispensable when it comes to this

You are the biggest part, I fall apart

I only need one simple kiss

 

Chorus:

I don't ask for forever

It never lasts long enough for me

If I can only get today

I would spend it with you

Lying here next to me

 

 

[goldylocks]

My fourth rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsession and need. Obsession is abnormal behavior. In other words obsession and love can not co-exist.

. .

 

Thanks James, Kel, Donna, for your help. I hope this hits the nail at least near the head.

 

Goldy.  

 

 Steal My Soul

 

Your words speak 

With hungry desire

Luring me with lies

I want to run 

Find a place to hide

 

 

You tug at my will

Break me right down

Touch me tenderly 

Smile and walk away  

Causing me agony   

 

 

 

Chorus:

 

You steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You steal my soul

 

V:

 

When you kiss me

I surrender to you

My heart beats hard

Feelings start to rise 

I'm caught off guard 

 

 

Chorus:

 

You steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You steal my soul

 

 

 

Verse

 

You always haunt me

I can't escape    

You watch me closely

Taking possession     

Holding on tightly

 

Repeat chorus:

 

 

Goldy

 

Edited November 13, 2013 by goldylocks

[Rudi]

Hi James,

 

Thanks for the critique. Its always helpful.

 

 

Untitled Song 19 ----This is a bit of a red flag; like driving with no destination in mind; freewriting..... In fact its quite specific.

 

V2

You must keep your friends well away from me.....is this a command, or a declarative statement? It’s a declarative statement

You know that I will only make them suffer

This thing can only ever be for us in perpetuity......what thing? The relationship

You will hear my call and you will answer.....I still don’t know what the singer is referring to

chorus

And I will have your respect.......why? otherwise it goes wrong

And I will have your attention.......why? otherwise it goes wrong

I could become everything that you request.....doesn’t sound like the same

singer’s voice in the previous 2 lines It’s a lure and an ideal. There is continuity.

But you must strive for my perfection......I don’t know, sounds like maybe a karate teacher talking to a student My Karate teacher never spoke that way J

V3

four measured minutes of tender care.......what? It’s a vital part of the process.

The same rendezvous every evening......I don’t understand? It’s a regular and ongoing appointment

All that you can express is measured by my blades caress......blade? like Freddy Kruger, or blades of grass, or roller blades?.....I am waiting for a big payoff line to bring this all together....... The blade is the only metaphor in the whole song.

 

Well. I could explain this very easily, but for me the point is that it should not be necessary.

Question: Did you read Johns example songs? Do you know what is going on in those?

 

Please have a look at my two lyrics "Always On My Mind" and "I Am One". Both use emotive language and ambiguity. (John)

 

 

all the best

 

Rudi

[Kel]

Hi Kel,

 

 

-----" he also said we can't use "Obsession" or "Vulnerable"."

 

Wow, if/since I missed that I'd be needing a lot of change for this one.....could you direct me to where that is in the posts?.....I'm not used to this style of thread, so I'm not surprised I'm missing some things here and there.

 

Thanks.

 

BTW - the lust/obsession is the one layer singer person to singee person....the other interpretation is singer person to someone's head of hair (their own or someone else's)

 

Hi James,

 

John only said we can't say "love".

 

I suggested we "imagine" he also said we can't use "obsession" or "vulnerable" or derivitives.

 

If you are trying to convey an emotion, whatever it is, don't use it, describe it. eg.

 

Anger: I'm shaking with the need to strike out...

Fear: I have goosebumps upon goosebumps and my breath coming faster...

Anxiety: I don't why I can't seem to get things right...

Drunk: I can't stand up, I can't walk straight, who set the world in motion?

 

That sort of thing. As soon as you name the emotion, it loses impact.

 

Hope that clears it up. Of course, this is my take on it, others may disagree.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[Kel]

Hey Kel,

 

You got the hook nailed then. ‘Brand New Kind of…’

 

I have an idea that wont go away. I very much like ending with the refrain variable:

‘Tingle, shaking, aching,’ in it.

 

You have only been specific about the office, the lift & the telephone. So that only excludes the unemployed. Unless you did a follow up with the Job Centre, Social Security queue etc of course J.

 

So it’s not too specific, which is good for the challenge. It’s ticking all the boxes. I cant find anything wrong at all. In fact every time I read it, I like it even more.

Ace job mate!

 

Rudi

Cheers Rudi,

 

Thanks.

K

[Kel]

 

My fourth rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsession and need. Obsession is abnormal behavior. In other words obsession and love can not co-exist.

. .

 

Thanks James, Kel, Donna, for your help. I hope this hits the nail at least near the head.

 

Goldy.  

 

You Want to Steal My Soul

 

Your words speak 

With hungry desire

Wooing me with lies

I want to run 

Find a place to hide

 

 

You tug at my will

Break me right down

Touch me tenderly 

Smile and walk away  

Causing me agony   

 

 

 

Chorus:

 

You want to steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You want to steal my soul

 

V:

 

When you kiss me

I surrender to you

My heart beats hard

Feelings start to rise 

I'm caught off guard 

 

 

Chorus:

 

You want to steal my soul

You won't let me go

Like a thief in the night

You plunder my mind

You won't let me go

You want to steal my soul

 

 

 

Verse

 

You always haunt me

I can't escape    

You watch me closely

Taking possession     

Holding on tightly  

 

 

 

Repeat chorus:

 

 

Goldy

 

 

 

There at the front of the room is largish fellow, on his feet applauding with gusto.

 

"Oh lookie!" the compere says, "Kel likes that one!"

 

     

 

My only suggestion is to shorten the title to "Steal My Soul"

 

Kel

[john]

Hey

Just to chime in, I would agree with Kel.

Why?

The whole purpose in this style of writing is to maximise the opportunity for the listener or reader to imprint. You don't tell them what to think, you don't interpret the world for them. You give them the information so that they interpret it as they will.

Sure, you can seed some specifically defined details, but particularly where emotions are concerned, describing what is physically felt will help evoke the feeling for the listener or reader and THAT aids imprinting, ie it helps them make it personal and adapt it to being about their life, instead of something LIKE their life.

By writing open lyrics, the listener can apply it to their life because they identify with the physical sensations and the emotions they convey, and they can immediately relate that to situations where they felt that. Emotions and sensations are a lot more universal than the situations themselves!

I hope that makes sense.

Cheers

John

[goldylocks]

Kel, shall we break open a bottle of wine, or are you just tired of running the same gamut and are handing out compliments so it can finally come to an end! Phew! Where is that largish yellow fellow? 

 

Goldy 

 

There at the front of the room is largish fellow, on his feet applauding with gusto.

 

"Oh lookie!" the compere says, "Kel likes that one!"

 

     

 

My only suggestion is to shorten the title to "Steal My Soul"

 

Kel

[john]

Lol you make this challenge sound like an endurance exercise!

[goldylocks]

Rudi, since everyone has commented and given you advice, the only thing I'm going to say is when I read this it sounds like military rules . Now I'm only giving you my perspective from reading it. It just doesn't sound like any real kind of girl, guy relationship, it's stiff and demanding, unyielding, and harsh. Sorry, but that's what I see and I want to be honest, I know that's the way you are. .

 

Goldy.  

 

Untitled Song 19

 

V1

Just enough to please and not enough to harm

But I’ll hurt you if you show me no respect Militant statement

You’ll miss me when you are away more than you would dare to say

Give me your attention now, or I’ll lay it all to waste Another

 

V2

You must keep your friends well away from me Stern

You know that I will only make them suffer Harsh

This thing can only ever be for us in perpetuity

You will hear my call and you will answer This is an order

 

chorus

And I will have your respect/Another military type statement

And I will have your attention Yet another

I could become everything that you request

But you must strive for my perfection

 

V3

four measured minutes of tender care/A hint of a relationship

The same rendezvous every evening

All that you can express is measured by my blades caress  

As I am blessed while you stand receiving

 

Repeat chorus

 

Rudi aka Unwise Bill Â© 11-11-2013

Edited November 13, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Kel, shall we break open a bottle of wine, or are you just tired of running the same gamut and are handing out compliments so it can finally come to an end! Phew! Where is that largish yellow fellow? 

 

Goldy 

 

No false compliments from me, Goldy. I calls it like I sees it. I like where you went with this. Well done.

 

Oh, I'll have a nice Moscato... not an educated pallete here, sweet wine is fine by me.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[Kel]

Lol you make this challenge sound like an endurance exercise!

 

Nah, we just like wine!

 

Kel

[Kel]

Hi Guys

 

This is still work in progress, I chose an odd theme to try and write this for and I am not sure the concept will be apparant? but if you spot who this could be about please let me know. that way I know if it is coming across as intended.

 

Bridge at end is trying to add to the trail of clues.

 

I will try to catch up on all yours but you have gone balistic and I am still trying to get this right.

 

Cheers

 

Les

 

 

I want more

 

I travel alone almost every day

Although people are around me

Wrapped in my own little world

On the bus to where I hope to find you

 

The journey can seem endless

And I am filled with anticipation

A wanting so deep within me

Feelings I long to but dare not share

 

Theres not a word I can use

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or

Like a child on Christmas morn

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch

I can’t help myself

I want more 

I want more

         

 

I smile at you at every chance

With hope that you might notice

The longing that I have for you

Feels like it is written across my face

 

I can’t get you out of my mind

I am consumed by my desire’s

A constant urge to be near you

I find excuses and questions to try

 

Theres not a word I can use

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or

Like a child on Christmas morn

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch

I can’t help myself

I want more  

I want more

 

There are a few years between us

Yes some people may throw us scorn

In a few more no one will remember

In a few more years will I?

No idea!

[john]

Hi Guys

This is still work in progress, I chose an odd theme to try and write this for and I am not sure the concept will be apparant? but if you spot who this could be about please let me know. that way I know if it is coming across as intended.

Bridge at end is trying to add to the trail of clues.

I will try to catch up on all yours but you have gone balistic and I am still trying to get this right.

Cheers

Les

I want more

I travel alone almost every day

Although people are around me

Wrapped in my own little world

On the bus to where I hope to find you

The journey can seem endless

And I am filled with anticipation

A wanting so deep within me

Feelings I long to but dare not share

Theres not a word I can use

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or

Like a child on Christmas morn

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch

I can’t help myself

I want more

I want more

I smile at you at every chance

With hope that you might notice

The longing that I have for you

Feels like it is written across my face

I can’t get you out of my mind

I am consumed by my desire’s

A constant urge to be near you

I find excuses and questions to try

Theres not a word I can use

To describe the way I feel

A sensation of butterflies or

Like a child on Christmas morn

An excitement of my senses

Like I’ve never felt before

A blood rush to fever pitch

I can’t help myself

I want more

I want more

There are a few years between us

Yes some people may throw us scorn

In a few more no one will remember

In a few more years will I?

Hey Les

The point here is to write something I identify with, that I can apply to myself and it will make sense. Even better if it applies in several senses.

It is as different as literal is from abstract, or visual lyrics are from topic based lyrics, or message base lyrics are from a ballad. They are all techniques and ways to conceptually view your lyrics. True, they can be combined, but they each can exist in a pure form.

There are many points here that are ambiguous, and many details that present perhaps too strong a picture, words or phrases that exclude.

For example, you mention a bus. In a visual concept lyric that can be evocative. You might also tie it down further, say, a red bus. But in this kind of concept that would make it worse. What happens if in the area the listener lives they don't have red buses? If they are simply imagining a scene someone else is in that can be okay, if they are feeling sympathy for someone else, it too can be okay, however, if you want them to wholly, and completely place themselves in the situation, your lyrics have to be open enough to let them apply it to themselves.

Unlike visual lyrics, where you go from visual scene to visual scene, this kind of lyric should be an emotional journey. Yes there can be literal physical movement, but what you try to avoid is unnecessary detail... And when I say unnecessary I mean as it applies to the concept.

So, in this new concept it is enough to impart travelling, or going, or moving... So you can let them fill in with their mode of transport, including perhaps walking! That way, a maximum number of people will be included, and only those that can't move will be struggling to hook on to the song. does that make sense?

Additionally, as a listener to this kind of song, I most definitely do not want to know who it is about. I want to identify with the feelings, the rough scenario. I want to be feeling it is talking about something I do, or something I imagine or dream about. Too much uncommon or unnecessary detail narrows who the song will work with.

Multillayer songs and ambiguous emotional image songs are designed to mean more than one thing. To that extent they trade on commonality, perspective and metaphors etc.

I am not saying you cannot use "bus" just using it as an example of how it narrows the focus. On balance I think your song is a little too definite. It conveys a flow of scene, rather than a flow of emotion.

Where you can use a detail in such songs is where you create one layer that is literal and one that is metaphorical. Take a look at my song "hit and run" and you will see what I mean. In that there is a literal story about a car crash, and there is a metaphorical story where the car accident is a metaphor for a relationship. The lyrics remain open by never defining who the target is, simply "you" and "I".

In reading your lyrics I think they could well be adapted to be 3 or even 4 layer, which is challenging and interesting.

Layer 1 - literal story. I think about you when I get on the bus and travel to work

Layer 2 - A figurative or metaphorical story

Layer 3 - A story of obsession

Layer 4 - A love story

Don't get me wrong, it would be very challenging, but if done correctly you would have lyrics that could appeal to people on many levels, including some interpretations we haven't thought of (the absolute beauty of this kind of lyrics), and lyrics that fans could easily be discussing and discovering those layers for years to come.

In depth multilayer songs can take weeks, even months of tweaking.

Our simple concept song with only two layers is much easier to write by comparison as there are many potential areas of overlap.

All that said, I do like where you are going with this. It just needs work to pull it into shape. Most of that work is in simplifying and making it more general. Your general content is broad enough and common enough. Sometimes however, the language you use is a bit lacking in intensity. For example

A wanting so deep within me

Would be stronger as

A need so deep within me

Because to need is a stronger impulse than to want.

Be a bit freer in expressing stark emotion, especially as the song progresses

Read through it thinking of the love concept. I think it currently works quite well for that. Perhaps too well.

Read it through with the other concept in mind. Does it work for every line?

That is the detail level that must be there.

You have quite a good mix of stated emotions and conveyed emotions (which if there are a lot of emotions being communicated is a balance you may want to consider). The alternative is to convey them all with sensation and modifiers, ie things that alter the perception of a sensation or feeling. For example I could say I have a fluttering sensation in my chest. That could be excitement, it could be nerves, it could be a medical condition, it could be panic. Exactly which can be determined by a modifying statement that clarifies the meaning of the sensation, even if that is another sensation!

For example

A fluttering in my chest and a knot of anticipation in my gut

A fluttering in my chest and a crippling pain down my arm.

A fluttering in my chest as I dream of your kiss

A fluttering in my chest and a pigeon stuffed down my shirt

You get the idea. That last one would perhaps alienate too many people lol

[jamestoffee]

Hi Kel and Rudi and John,

 

Thanks for your critique/feedback

 

Here is an updated version:

 

 =====Revised Version 2=====

 

NEW TITLE: Y1W19 Kiss Me

updated mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564 

 

Find me

A smile’s all I wear

Run the red lights

Tangle my hair

 

Claim me

I’ve brushed on your name

Marked every inch

Used all the paint

 

Give me what I have missed

Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

 

Touch me 
You tease titillate 
Leave the lights on

Don’t make me wait 

Feed me 
Wet satin on skin 
Arched in a quiver 
‘Til I give in 

Your curls fingered in slow twirls 
Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

 

Loose curls fingered in slow twirls 
Get out of my mind and onto my lips

Kiss me

 

 

Hi James,

 

There is plenty of lust, but I don't feel any love.

 

Instead of saying "You're my obsession" describe how... "Can't get you out of my head", "I close my eyes and see you there...".

 

Just as John said we couldn't use the word "love" imagine he also said we can't use "Obsession" or "Vulnerable". That way you'll be using lyrics to describe your feelings... simile, metaphor etc rather than saying it outright.

 

Cheers,

Kel

Edited November 13, 2013 by jamestoffee

[jamestoffee]

• Hi Rudi,

   

  Thanks for the answers to the questions.

   

  I had not read John's examples, but I have now.  The first song seemed identifiable...the singer was not a good partner in the relationship and was admitting their faults, the second I was clueless.

   

  .....kudos giving what asked for in the structure of the assignment.

   

  I would like to hear what the story is behind the song so I can see what I missed, but if you prefer not to share, no worries as well

   

   

  Well. I could explain this very easily, but for me the point is that it should not be necessary.

  Question: Did you read Johns example songs? Do you know what is going on in those?

   

   

  all the best

   

  Rudi

   

[john]

I had not read John's examples, but I have now. The first song seemed identifiable...the singer was not a good partner in the relationship and was admitting their faults, the second I was clueless.

.....kudos giving what asked for in the structure of the assignment.

I have now added a link to the topic with both example lyrics in it to the first post. Sorry for not having it there earlier. If you follow the song links now you will find some draft recordings for both songs, and Hit and Run, referenced elsewhere. The mp3 quality has suffered in translation from wav to mp3 but it's enough to give those that wanted to hear the songs a small blast of the songs they will become.

As to meaning... It's always interesting what people take from them!

Always On My Mind is originally written as a multilevel lyric with the core part being inspired by being the carer for someone with mental health issues, where that someone is your partner. The second level was simply someone you love and can't stop thinking about.

I Am One is also mental health inspired, in this case from the first party perspective of having bipolar (which I don't have, but I know several people who do) as the more literal interpretation, and a more mild case of someone who's up and down a bit with normal every day life. I tried building in routes for several interpretations by being open but still maintain the integrity of the bipolar story.

I don't know if they are successful, or hit and run, as I haven't made the final versions and released the songs yet, but from the reactions and comments on Songstuff and from friends they seem to have given room for multiple interpretations yet been emotionally strong enough in conveying meaning for people to connect to, so that's good enough for me.

Here's the link again, in case you are wondering what I am blabbing on about. Lol

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/33137-ambiguous-target-multi-layered-lyrics/

[jamestoffee]

Hi John,

 

   :WHAT?!?!?   .......and  ............well John, I will apologize for the misunderstanding, but I did have a good laugh ...........

 

 ........MY COMMENTS ON THE SONGS WERE  NOT ABOUT YOUR TWO SONGS.    

 

I just Googled the song titles for  two songs and the first song "Always On My Mind"was an Elvis Presley song and the second song "I Am One" was by the Smashing Pumpkins.......I thought those were the example songs he was referring to.........I hope this clarifies my earlier comments/song critiques to Rudi.....

 

 

-James

 

As to meaning... It's always interesting what people take from them!

Always On My Mind is originally written as a multilevel lyric with the core part being inspired by being the carer for someone with mental health issues, where that someone is your partner. The second level was simply someone you love and can't stop thinking about.

I Am One is also mental health inspired, in this case from the first party perspective of having bipolar (which I don't have, but I know several people who do) as the more literal interpretation, and a more mild case of someone who's up and down a bit with normal every day life. I tried building in routes for several interpretations by being open but still maintain the integrity of the bipolar story.

I don't know if they are successful, or hit and run, as I haven't made the final versions and released the songs yet, but from the reactions and comments on Songstuff and from friends they seem to have given room for multiple interpretations yet been emotionally strong enough in conveying meaning for people to connect to, so that's good enough for me.

Here's the link again, in case you are wondering what I am blabbing on about. Lol

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/33137-ambiguous-target-multi-layered-lyrics/

Edited November 13, 2013 by jamestoffee

[jamestoffee]

Hi Goldy,

 

I agree the rewrites made it clearer.  Good job!......one nit pick to take or leave....

 

"Wooing me with lies"  lies doesn't seem the right word at least at this part of the story, or the singer should not have this much information.....if she knows he is telling lies, it's not so woo-worthy .....while she is being wooed she should have a sense of truth/hope in the words for them to be effective.....no?

 

 

There at the front of the room is largish fellow, on his feet applauding with gusto.

 

"Oh lookie!" the compere says, "Kel likes that one!"

 

     

 

My only suggestion is to shorten the title to "Steal My Soul"

 

Kel

[Rudi]

I would like to hear what the story is behind the song so I can see what I missed, but if you prefer not to share, no worries as well

 

Ok James,

 

I wanted to write about chilli peppers. I love chilli peppers and use them when I cook for myself. I use them a lot. However, when I cook for others I always get the balance wrong. For example, the dish almost always ends up too hot for my beloved.

 

I realised I couldn’t sing about chillis though, because John had specified ‘a person’.

So the song is about me from the perspective of the peppers.

You should find that it all makes sense now.

 

Obviously, I was counting on the natural human preoccupation with other people & sex to see it from that point of view.

 

Rudi