Lyrics Writing Challenge #22 - Summer Hit

[john]

Hi Gang

 

A deceptively simple challenge for you this time...

 

The challenge is to write the lyrics for Summer hit (even better if you can get it recorded)

 

The genre (if any) is yours. Song form is ABC, Verse Chorus and Brifge sections are required.

 

Summer hits often have high emotion, involve your senses, and are evocative of a summer experience. They tend to be light and fun. What am I saying, you almost certainly know all this.

 

The difficulty is always avoiding being cheesy, or at least too cheesy. To avoid it you are often going a bit left field. Balancing something a little unexpected with something very familiar. Of course, you may well choose to embrace the cheese, even amp it up. Be the Cheese Maester! The choice is yours.

 

Afterwards, I suggest we post up the lyrics as a poll to get a vote on cheesiness as a useful feedback.

 

Your challenge is to write that summer anthem.

 

Cheers

 

John

 

@Mahesh @Lisa Gates

@Timbre @DonnaMarilyn  @McnaughtonPark  @symphonious7 @Mahesh  @Pahchisme Plaid  @Ray888 @ALOPRODUCTIONZ

@Rudi @Peggy

@Lisa Gates @snabbu @Patty Lakamp

@Capo3tanya @Kimberly Shires @Glammerocity @TPistilli

@TodaysTomSawy3r

@TwistedJourney @Witness @Kristiana Azariah

@Kel

•  

[ALOPRODUCTIONZ]

Sounds good, put a smile on my face

[Peggy]

Good one, John.  I think i this will be a fun challenge!

[john]

Any other takers?

[Kel]

Challenge accepted and writing completed... do we post in here in in the main critique section?

[Peggy]

3 minutes ago, Kel said:

Challenge accepted and writing completed... do we post in here in in the main critique section?

Kel, we post in here.

 

[Kel]

Nothin' In My Way

 

I got my board up top 
And the windows down, 
Radio's playing summer sounds 
And I'm feelin' good, 
And feelin' good's, good enough for me. 


Get my girl 
Take her by the hand, 
Party all night 
On the fine white sand, 
As the stars come out to play, 
It's the summer time 
And there's nothin' in my way. 

I'm in the big show now 
As the sets roll through, 
Sou'Wester bringin' curls and tubes
And I'm ridin' free, 
And ridin' free's good enough for me. 

Get my girl 
Take her by the hand, 
Party all night 
On the fine white sand, 
As the stars come out to play, 
It's the summer time 
And there's nothin' in my way. 

     My old man's sayin' 
     Autumn is a bummer, 
     But I have plans 
     For an endless summer! 

Get my girl 
Take her by the hand, 
Party all night 
On the fine white sand, 
As the stars come out to play, 
It's the summer time 
And there's nothin' in my way. 

[Strat1958]

Hi, new member here. I wrote and recorded this one about 10 years ago.

I was feeling a bit "bound up" and needed to get a song out, no matter how good or bad.

So I wrote this one very quickly and recorded it even faster! I considered it a throwaway, but over the years I've come to like it.

 

Summer Sun

 

SUMMER SUN    by Mike Pilling
 
When the sun is out
And the day is bright
Feels so good 
The world is right
 
The ground is warm
On your feet
The air hangs heavy
As you walk the street
 
CHORUS
Summer sun summer sun
Its in love with everyone
Summer sun summer sun
Its in love with everyone
 
The kids are all
Out of school
The weathers hot
But they're playin' it cool
 
Mirages shimmer 
On the sand
People are walking
And they're holding hands
 
CH
 
BRIDGE
Warm summer breeze 
blows endlessly
Just like the rivers
Flow out to the sea
 
The seagulls cry
We stand on the pier
Doesn't summer seem
A little longer this year?
 
CH
Seagulls and surf to fade........

[john]

On 3/6/2019 at 9:16 AM, Kel said:

Nothin' In My Way

 

I got my board up top 
And the windows down, 
Radio's playing summer sounds 
And I'm feelin' good, 
And feelin' good's, good enough for me. 


Get my girl 
Take her by the hand, 
Party all night 
On the fine white sand, 
As the stars come out to play, 
It's the summer time 
And there's nothin' in my way. 

I'm in the big show now 
As the sets roll through, 
Sou'Wester bringin' curls and tubes
And I'm ridin' free, 
And ridin' free's good enough for me. 

Get my girl 
Take her by the hand, 
Party all night 
On the fine white sand, 
As the stars come out to play, 
It's the summer time 
And there's nothin' in my way. 

     My old man's sayin' 
     Autumn is a bummer, 
     But I have plans 
     For an endless summer! 

Get my girl 
Take her by the hand, 
Party all night 
On the fine white sand, 
As the stars come out to play, 
It's the summer time 
And there's nothin' in my way. 

 

Thanks Kel. Good to see you taking part mate. Sorry for the late reply.

 

Starting with the chorus for comment, the first half is stronger. I think it is the last line. A small part is defining a positive in terms of negatives, but mostly it’s not exactly a crescendo line. It doesn’t add much, and feels more of a forced rhyme. Although it conveys freedom, the lack of any emotionally charged words leaves it a fairly neutral reference.

 

Did you intend ending the first verse with two classic lines from two different songs? Feeling Good and Me and Bobby McGee. It’s late so I might have missed other classic references.

 

Some good strong images in the verses. You could perhaps evoke scent, temperature etc. To strengthen the connection.

 

I don’t know that the “good enough for me” is particularly high emotion, but more I don’t know that repeating it verse to verse as a refrain adds anything. I think that would work better as a mechanism if you had a third verse.

 

There is a lack of directly emotional language, which subdues excitement and anticipation. True spring is more anticipation of the good times to come, Summer is enjoying the thrill of  enjoying what you were anticipating, and anticipating more of the same (long hot summer). While your lyrics do evoke a summer experience, do bring in romance, it plays down optimism and sheer joy of the experience, man

 

it it has some good potential though.

 

As usual, all just my two cents. I hope it is some useful food for thought.

[john]

On 3/6/2019 at 10:04 PM, Strat1958 said:

Hi, new member here. I wrote and recorded this one about 10 years ago.

I was feeling a bit "bound up" and needed to get a song out, no matter how good or bad.

So I wrote this one very quickly and recorded it even faster! I considered it a throwaway, but over the years I've come to like it.

 

Summer Sun

 

SUMMER SUN    by Mike Pilling
 
When the sun is out
And the day is bright
Feels so good 
The world is right
 
The ground is warm
On your feet
The air hangs heavy
As you walk the street
 
CHORUS
Summer sun summer sun
Its in love with everyone
Summer sun summer sun
Its in love with everyone
 
The kids are all
Out of school
The weathers hot
But they're playin' it cool
 
Mirages shimmer 
On the sand
People are walking
And they're holding hands
 
CH
 
BRIDGE
Warm summer breeze 
blows endlessly
Just like the rivers
Flow out to the sea
 
The seagulls cry
We stand on the pier
Doesn't summer seem
A little longer this year?
 
CH
Seagulls and surf to fade........

 

Hi Strat1958,

 

Welcome aboard!

 

You missed the point. It is meant to be a personal challenge. I try to post challenges aimed at writer development and keeping skills fresh. The challenge is to write something, now, that fits the brief. 

 

In lieu of a new write, and so you can at least take part, from your perspective, where do you think your song works and doesn’t work? What are it’s strengths and weaknesses?

 

I encourage you to critique the other works posted.  Taking part helps make it.

 

Cheers

 

John

[john]

On 3/4/2019 at 6:18 PM, Peggy said:

Good one, John.  I think i this will be a fun challenge!

 

Come on Peggy, step up!

[Peggy]

Stepping ... 😅

[ALOPRODUCTIONZ]

here's a rough draft of my first verse. needs a lot of changes particularly towards the end. hopefully I can get some good feedback for improvement of this current verse and the next  verse I'm yet to write. genre (rap)

 

feel the excitement of the sun smiling to meet ya
everyone shining inside wants to greet ya
go outside blue shorts no t-shirt
I want cool ice-cream not pizza
walk past smelling BBQs at Lisas 
listen to the sweet sounds of the birds as they teach ya
peace a feeling calmer then freedom
it is the season 
for water and beaches
down Southampton to Bournemouth to Dorset
on a little boat going forward 
on board theres 4 of us
see ppl jumping from the trees so were joining them
find a canoe as where exploring the
waters of the river as were enjoying the
sunny day let it take the pain away*
wash away any pain from your memory*

*needs rewriting to connect with the chorus

Edited March 16, 2019 by ALOPRODUCTIONZ

[john]

On 3/16/2019 at 11:11 AM, ALOPRODUCTIONZ said:

here's a rough draft of my first verse. needs a lot of changes particularly towards the end. hopefully I can get some good feedback for improvement of this current verse and the next  verse I'm yet to write. genre (rap)

 

feel the excitement of the sun smiling to meet ya
everyone shining inside wants to greet ya
go outside blue shorts no t-shirt
I want cool ice-cream not pizza
walk past smelling BBQs at Lisas 
listen to the sweet sounds of the birds as they teach ya
peace a feeling calmer then freedom
it is the season 
for water and beaches
down Southampton to Bournemouth to Dorset
on a little boat going forward 
on board theres 4 of us
see ppl jumping from the trees so were joining them
find a canoe as where exploring the
waters of the river as were enjoying the
sunny day let it take the pain away*
wash away any pain from your memory*

*needs rewriting to connect with the chorus

 

 

Hey Alo

 

It meanders a bit. Good weather and city vibe in the first 5 lines. I am not convinced it needs to go visit those beaches. It dilutes it... yes it broadens the appeal in some sense. But it also weakens it imho. My guess is your target audience is going to be mainly in cities and towns (if only because that is where most people live lol) but at the same time rap IS more urban.

 

So hot melting tarmac, hot pavements, bleached dry grass on cracked caked earth in parks, with car seats too hot to sit on, air con cranked up, loud music belting out of shops, short skirts, hot flirts, dark shades, roller blades, tanned skin in the after sun, chasing good times catching some etc are fairly typical urban images of summer.

 

Emotional images might include people loved up, hot tempers, laughs and cheers with ice cold beers

 

You could have anticipation, reminiscent just not ambivalent.

 

Exploring hot tempers, rival gangs, fighting, drugs and drink outside humiliation etc could bring in something darker that is very much there during an urban summer. Not exactly a pop summer hit, but balanced correctly could give you a summer song with authenticity for your target market. If you do this, you might want to make the chorus message oriented, like “where is the love” or other anti violence tracks. Particularly poignant in England just now with rising knife crime. A song that takes on the fear and bravado that spawns such crimes might work very well if balanced with upbeat summer stuff... the life they could be having.

 

The trick would be getting the balance. Good upbeat stuff with dark undertones as contrast in the verses. 

 

Just some thoughts. Use or lose as you see fit.

 

Not that your beaches and water scene wouldn’t work, it’s just not the strongest. Your scenes are relatable... but it’s not the strongest of connections considering your likely audience.... now if you are  planning to branch out, that might be different

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Hope I'm not too late to do this--just saw it today, but sounds like a fun one....

[Pahchisme Plaid]

LANDING IN THE WOMB OF THE WATERS

Lyrics by Kc Chad 2019

 

Verse 1:

Come for me

Tomorrow’s a promised

City of gold

Where the breeze blows hot

And the sky’s aglow. Let’s blow this joint

Feign parental calls

Or a note that’s scrawled, “sick day excused”

They’ll never know.

 

Chorus:

And we’ll fly free, free as dolphins jumping through the air, landing in the womb of the waters (landing in the womb of the waters).

 

Verse 2:

Come for me

We’ll head off for the beach

I’ll tie my hair back

With a polka-dot pink kerchief

We’ll slap on our shades

And put down the top

Rev the fifty-seven engine

Turn the tunes way up

 

Chorus:

And we’ll fly free, free as dolphins jumping through the air, landing in the womb of the waters (landing in the womb of the waters).

 

Bridge:

We’ll frolic in the seas

Cool the beads off our brows

Bronze our bodies in the sun

Build castles in the sand

We’ll dance with midnight madness

While flames flicker soft and warm

And we’ll follow the moon

Back to our homes

Before they notice we were gone
 

Verse 3:
Come for me

One opportunity
Slip out this pencil cage

Live our own novel page

Do it on my dare

No one will suspect

They’re busy with life

This can be sealed in our memory

A day of dreams

 

Chorus:

Yes,  we’ll fly free, free as dolphins jumping through the air, landing in the womb of the waters (landing in the womb of the waters).
 

We’ll fly free, free as dolphins jumping through the air, landing in the womb of the waters (landing in the womb of the waters).

 

Landing in the womb of the waters.