Lyrics Writing Challenge #19 Intoning A Metaphor Etc

[john]

Hey

 

Here’s an interesting challenge.... allegories and metaphors are often used in modern song writing, often in quite interesting songs.

 

 

Write a song on any subject, as long as it involves feelings and emotions.

 

Your song should use metaphors to express feelings and emotions, or manifestations of emotions like laughing, crying, smiling etc. In essence you draw comparisons, substituting them for the emotion or feeling or the manifestation.

 

For example, instead of saying I was dejected, I might say “I was twelve again, staring at my melted ice cream”. You would be expressing the emotion by using an example, inviting the listener to draw the comparison.

 

Weather is, for example, a useful comparison for mood...

 

Instead of saying happy you might say “...then the sun broke through the thunderstorm”

 

Instead of sad you might say “I am a rainy day in spring” and use rain throughout the song to refer to you

 

Of course there are many, many ways to draw comparisons, to express emotions, other than using weather.

 

Often such a mechanism can be most effective in an otherwise literal song.

 

I look forward to some awesome lyrics.

 

Good luck!

 

Cheers

 

John

 

@Timbre @DonnaMarilyn  @McnaughtonPark  @symphonious7 @Mahesh  @Pahchisme Plaid  @Ray888 @ALOPRODUCTIONZ

@Rudi @Taking Notes

@Lisa Gates @snabbu @Patty Lakamp

@Capo3tanya

@TodaysTomSawy3r

[Peggy]

It's Another Day (©July 4 2018 all rights reserved)
Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

V 1
-----------------------
Living in the open air
There's a rose that grows so tall
Wild and strong in presence
As it's days are getting long
It's days are getting long

C 1
--------------------------
Each petal shows
A proud display
It's another day

Time simply knows
It's another day
Another day

V 2
------------------------
Waiting for a fallen drop
But the clouds are way too high
Winds they blow the dryness
As the sun rays burn so slow
The sun rays burn so slow

C 2
-----------------------
Each petal falls
And drifts away
It's another day

Time simply knows
It's another day
Another day

V 3
-------------------------
Sometime in the morning light
When the rain starts moving in
Comes a bloom so pretty
And it smells as sweet perfume
It smells as sweet perfume

C 3
--------------------------
Each petal shows
A proud display
It's another day

Time simply knows
It's another day
Another day

Each petal shows
A proud display
It's another day

Time simply knows
It's another day
Another day
 

[john]

Thanks for taking part. Come on people, let’s see some writing and constructive critique...

[Pahchisme Plaid]

I've got my eye on this challenge, @john.  I just have to get a good chunk of down time to work out the criteria for the challenges in my head.  I still have a second partially completed from your last challenge.  

[john]

No worries Kelly. Hopefully it ticks some boxes and stretches you as a writer plus being fun to do!

[Pahchisme Plaid]

I hope this fits the criteria.  I drew inspiration from conversation with a friend.

 

It’s One Of Those Days

Lyrics by Kc Chad © 2018

It’s one of those days, I’m decaffeinated

Slow leak in my balloon makes me deflated

They patch me up, I try catching up

But my drive to fly’s damn near satiated

 

The doc says to enjoy my days

Eat what I like, won’t much matter anyway

I’ve got life in me still despite him crushing my will

It’s just one of those days

 

It’s one of those days, I’m decaffeinated

Slow leak in my balloon makes me deflated

They patch me up, I try catching up

But my drive to fly’s damn near satiated

 

Searching again for my midnight stripes

The soft, breathable, cottony type

My missing skin’s gone crawlin, elastic waist is falling

It’s just one of those days

 

It’s one of those days, I’m decaffeinated

Slow leak in my balloon makes me deflated

They patch me up, I try catching up

But my drive to fly’s damn near satiated

 

God I know you’ve got me in Your hands

I may be laying down, but inside I’m still standing

I struggle with walking, but just You keep talking

I’m living to die on Your terms

I’m needing to feast on your words
They’re what help me face my days

 

I’ll wash my strands, what’s left

Most are lost, still a few’ve kept

Looking at mops tomorrow, found a cap to borrow

It’s just one of those days

 

It’s one of those days, I’m decaffeinated

Slow leak in my balloon makes me deflated

They patch me up, I try catching up

But my drive to fly’s damn near satiated

 

It’s one of those days, I’m decaffeinated

Slow leak in my balloon makes me deflated

They patch me up, I try catching up

But my drive to fly’s damn near satiated

 

My drive to fly, my drive to fly, my drive to fly’s nearly satiated.

 

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 7/4/2018 at 8:57 PM, Taking Notes said:

It's Another Day (©July 4 2018 all rights reserved)
Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

V 1
-----------------------
Living in the open air
There's a rose that grows so tall
Wild and strong in presence
As it's days are getting long
It's days are getting long

C 1
--------------------------
Each petal shows
A proud display
It's another day

Time simply knows
It's another day
Another day

V 2
------------------------
Waiting for a fallen drop
But the clouds are way too high
Winds they blow the dryness
As the sun rays burn so slow
The sun rays burn so slow

C 2
-----------------------
Each petal falls
And drifts away
It's another day

Time simply knows
It's another day
Another day

V 3
-------------------------
Sometime in the morning light
When the rain starts moving in
Comes a bloom so pretty
And it smells as sweet perfume
It smells as sweet perfume

C 3
--------------------------
Each petal shows
A proud display
It's another day

Time simply knows
It's another day
Another day

Each petal shows
A proud display
It's another day

Time simply knows
It's another day
Another day
 

Your imagery shows life with warmth and watering for the flower.  I'm taking a view that you are making a parallel to how people thrive with kindness and encouragement.  In the same way that a flower's petals drop with dryness and harsh conditions, so it seems that people also tend to shrivel and shrink back with harsh treatment.  I like how your 3rd verse (and refrain) concludes on the positive indicating despite the previous condition, with refreshment, life will once again spring forth from both flower and person as well as a pleasant fragrance.  That mention of fragrance has a deeper spiritual significance that makes my mind consider that you may yet have a deeper and third application for your metaphore.

[TwistedJourney]

Hey there! New to SongStuff, and already lapping all these juices you guys have poured into these boards!  Awesome stuff!

 

Anyways, I saw this and figured I'd throw my weight in, too!

 

Untitled

 

Do you ever wake in a sweat?

Rigid breathing, high stakes bet.

Do you ever taste your fear?

Loaded dice, in high gear.

 

Snake eyes watching you, 

watching you.

These lies taunting you,

taunting you.

 

How much further can you get?

Security, the old threat.

How much further will you push it here?

Joker smiles ear to ear.

 

You drew your hand, and split the odds.

Greed and sin, your only God!

You play a game of high reward,

but fail to see you're a piece of the board.

 

[Peggy]

On 7/14/2018 at 9:44 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

I hope this fits the criteria.  I drew inspiration from conversation with a friend.

 

It’s One Of Those Days

Lyrics by Kc Chad © 2018

It’s one of those days, I’m decaffeinated

Slow leak in my balloon makes me deflated

They patch me up, I try catching up

But my drive to fly’s damn near satiated

 

I love this part. Just would change to "fly is".

 

On 7/14/2018 at 9:44 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

God I know you’ve got me in Your hands

I may be laying down, but inside I’m still standing

I struggle with walking, but just You keep talking

I’m living to die on Your terms

I’m needing to feast on your words
They’re what help me face my days

 

This is probably my favorite part.  Fantastic. I thought maybe switching these 2 but..na..they are good as is.

 

I’m needing to feast on your words

I’m living to die on Your terms

 

it seems the person is dealing with an illness taking it in stride. Strong yet weakening physically but not spiritually.  It's had a complicated sadness to it. 

 

Nice write!

 

[Peggy]

On 7/14/2018 at 9:57 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

Your imagery shows life with warmth and watering for the flower.  I'm taking a view that you are making a parallel to how people thrive with kindness and encouragement.  In the same way that a flower's petals drop with dryness and harsh conditions, so it seems that people also tend to shrivel and shrink back with harsh treatment.  I like how your 3rd verse (and refrain) concludes on the positive indicating despite the previous condition, with refreshment, life will once again spring forth from both flower and person as well as a pleasant fragrance.  That mention of fragrance has a deeper spiritual significance that makes my mind consider that you may yet have a deeper and third application for your metaphore.

 

Thanks PP!  Appreciate the review and nice comments.  I think you have a really good picture of what I was trying to leave folks with.

[Peggy]

On 7/15/2018 at 12:24 AM, TwistedJourney said:

Hey there! New to SongStuff, and already lapping all these juices you guys have poured into these boards!  Awesome stuff!

 

Anyways, I saw this and figured I'd throw my weight in, too!

 

Hi Twisted, 

 

nice to have you here and joining in on the challenges! Title it Snake Eyes. Although it might already be used.

Thought adding chorus(?) In a couple of places gives it abit more. Also gives you a good hook.  

 

On 7/15/2018 at 12:24 AM, TwistedJourney said:

Untitled

 

Do you ever wake in a sweat?

Rigid breathing, high stakes bet.

Do you ever taste your fear?

Loaded dice, in high gear.

 

Snake eyes watching you, 

watching you.

These lies taunting you,

taunting you.

 

How much further can you get?

Security, the old threat.

How much further will you push it here?

Joker smiles ear to ear.

 

Thinking this is the chorus. I'd add it here.

 

Snake eyes watching you, 

watching you.

These lies taunting you

taunting you.

 

On 7/15/2018 at 12:24 AM, TwistedJourney said:

You drew your hand, and split the odds.

Greed and sin, your only God!

You play a game of high reward,

but fail to see you're a piece of the board.

 

 

And add it here.

 

Snake eyes watching you, 

watching you.

These lies taunting you,

taunting you.

 

Snake eyes

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

[Timbre]

On 7/4/2018 at 8:57 PM, Taking Notes said:

Each petal falls
And drifts away
It's another day

Time simply knows
It's another day
Another day

Hi, Peggy.

 

I like the use of a rose as a symbol for marking time. My main critique has more to do with the challenge. On first read I didn't get a strong sense of the rose as a metaphor for emotion. ~T

 

 

[Peggy]

On 7/21/2018 at 1:27 PM, Timbre said:

Hi, Peggy.

 

I like the use of a rose as a symbol for marking time. My main critique has more to do with the challenge. On first read I didn't get a strong sense of the rose as a metaphor for emotion. ~T

 

 

I was trying for an allegory..whether I got there I'm not too sure

 

I agree with you about the brief. My lyric didn't have what I was completely hoping it would bring .  

 

I thought I could use the beauty, strength, faithful optimism, struggles, conditions, time, growth, new life, and rebirth.

 

Then the chorus giving significance and insignificance to it all.

 

But I think the emotions are not were they should be.

 

Thanks for taking a look 

 

 

[McnaughtonPark]

First write in a long time, don’t know if this fits the rules of the challenge, just wanted to participate.  

 

Burning Love

 

Goodbyes fall like ash

from a hand rolled cigarette 

Empty puffs of smoke

Burnt up with regret 

faithful as a habit

That never gets enough 

It’s still a burning

burning love

 

Mem’ries choke my chest

In an avalanche of dust

Some i just can’t breathe

Then there’s some i must 

A cloud over my eyes

In a plume of aching tears

It’s a burning love

It’s burned for years

 

Bank rolls of old dreams

Broken like the backs

of second place teams

Dah dah dah, dah dah dah, dah dah dah

Dollars turned to dimes

No heart can break like mine

It’s a burning love

gonna burn a long time

 

Paper only has

The lines it’s given

headlights only shine

Where they’re driven

But I don’t know what say

And It’s still the same old view

It’s a burning love

And it burns for you

[McnaughtonPark]

On 7/15/2018 at 12:24 AM, TwistedJourney said:

Hey there! New to SongStuff, and already lapping all these juices you guys have poured into these boards!  Awesome stuff!

 

Anyways, I saw this and figured I'd throw my weight in, too!

 

Untitled

 

Do you ever wake in a sweat?

Rigid breathing, high stakes bet.

Do you ever taste your fear?

Loaded dice, in high gear.

 

Snake eyes watching you, 

watching you.

These lies taunting you,

taunting you.

 

How much further can you get?

Security, the old threat.

How much further will you push it here?

Joker smiles ear to ear.

 

You drew your hand, and split the odds.

Greed and sin, your only God!

You play a game of high reward,

but fail to see you're a piece of the board.

 

You’ve written a nice lyric, captures the intensity really well.  I’m wondering about the reason it was left untitled.  Wondering if that may be the result of not having a clear hook.  What you have as verse two seems to be written in the chorus structure, when reading/singing I’m inclined to want to add the missing hook after the lines you have down at present.  I’m reading the structure as ABAA.  Easy enough to rearrange any way that fits your music and melody.  Of course it’s up to you, but one suggestion would be to add that hook and the end of the second verse and make that section a true chorus, then use it after each verse making it more of a VCVCVC layout.  

 

Nice writing tho, and welcome to Songstuff 

 

MP

[TwistedJourney]

On 7/25/2018 at 9:00 AM, McnaughtonPark said:

You’ve written a nice lyric, captures the intensity really well.  I’m wondering about the reason it was left untitled.  Wondering if that may be the result of not having a clear hook.  What you have as verse two seems to be written in the chorus structure, when reading/singing I’m inclined to want to add the missing hook after the lines you have down at present.  I’m reading the structure as ABAA.  Easy enough to rearrange any way that fits your music and melody.  Of course it’s up to you, but one suggestion would be to add that hook and the end of the second verse and make that section a true chorus, then use it after each verse making it more of a VCVCVC layout.  

 

Nice writing tho, and welcome to Songstuff 

 

MP

Thanks for the advice and the response! Ive decided to call it "All In", also repeated the 2nd verse after the third to extend it.  I hope to make this some day, but lack the necessary means at the moment. I really want to give it a bounce from word to word, almost spoken in a sense.... Hopefully soonish!

[McnaughtonPark]

8 hours ago, TwistedJourney said:

Thanks for the advice and the response! Ive decided to call it "All In", also repeated the 2nd verse after the third to extend it.  I hope to make this some day, but lack the necessary means at the moment. I really want to give it a bounce from word to word, almost spoken in a sense.... Hopefully soonish!

Actually, I really like All In as a hook and title.  If you’re the type that’s opposed to someone adding a suggestion to what you’ve written then please ignore what I’m about to write, if not, maybe consider a rewrite of verse two so you can present the hook better.

 

im singing this

 

All in

Even tho snake eyes are waiting 

All in

When the risk don’t seem worth taking 

All in

Even if the devil’s calling

I may end up falling

But I’m all in

 

Like I said, it’s just a suggestion to illustrate how adding the hook in that section can work.  For me, the idea of using a hook as the title is almost essential in lyric writing. It’s not of course, many songs have titles that don’t appear in the song.  Your lyric, your decision.  

 

Peace

[TwistedJourney]

54 minutes ago, McnaughtonPark said:

Actually, I really like All In as a hook and title.  If you’re the type that’s opposed to someone adding a suggestion to what you’ve written then please ignore what I’m about to write, if not, maybe consider a rewrite of verse two so you can present the hook better.

 

im singing this

 

All in

Even tho snake eyes are waiting 

All in

When the risk don’t seem worth taking 

All in

Even if the devil’s calling

I may end up falling

But I’m all in

 

Like I said, it’s just a suggestion to illustrate how adding the hook in that section can work.  For me, the idea of using a hook as the title is almost essential in lyric writing. It’s not of course, many songs have titles that don’t appear in the song.  Your lyric, your decision.  

 

Peace

No worries! This is what this forum is all about! I definitely don't mind at all.  Once my mind is cleared of all these new ideas, I will definitely be coming back to this! 

[TwistedJourney]

All In

 

Do you ever wake in a sweat?

Rigid breathing, high stakes bet.

Do you ever taste your fear?

Loaded dice, in high gear.

 

All in!

The Snake's eyes are watching!

All in!

Sign where it is dotted.

Even if the Devil's calling, 

that wont stop me from my falling,

cuz I'm all in!

 

How much further can you get?

Security, the old threat.

How much further will you push it here?

Joker smiles ear to ear.

 

All in!

The Snake's eyes are watching!

All in!

Sign where it is dotted.

Even if the Devil's calling, 

that wont stop me from my falling,

cuz I'm all in!

 

You drew your hand, and split the odds.

Greed and sin, your only God!

You play a game of high reward,

but fail to see you're a piece of the board.

 

All in!

The Snake's eyes are watching!

All in!

Sign where it is dotted.

Even if the Devil's calling, 

that wont stop me from my falling,

cuz I'm all in!

 

 

 

Wow... I f@$!ing LOVE how this turned out and grew thanks to all of your guys' help!

Shoutout to McNaughton for the pick me up idea! I definitely had to use/tweak your words at the end of the refrain.  It gave it a whole new weight and atmosphere.

 

Made my day y'all! 😈

[McnaughtonPark]

Nice Twisted.  Pretty impressive edit, glad you’re happy with the outcome.  Hope to hear it one day.

 

mp